Diet starts tomorrow... no seriously!

Yesterday was Tim's birthday.  Because Australia Day fell on thursday he took yesterday off as well so that we could have an extra long weekend together and so far it's been really nice.  I took him out for a surprise lunch at Hurricane's Grill, his favourite rib place.  Tim was never really a big fan of ribs until we went to America a few years ago for a 3 month holiday, and it was then that his love affair with pork ribs began.

We stuffed ourselves silly, knowing that it would be our last pig out for quite some time.  We had ribs for main and then Tim had a sticky date pudding, and I had a chilli and cinnamon chocolate pudding - it was delicious!  The gooey inside was to die for...and I dare that say after eating that my arteries probably have a gooey inside also!

I've said a few times here before, I am not at my physical best right now.  I am carrying a bit of extra weight due to my love for snacking, giving birth to my baby girl (that was nearly 6 months ago though - am I still allowed to blame the pregnancy??), and the fact that I just don't spend enough time doing active physical exercise.  I'm not huge by any means, but I am not my healthiest.

I've never been a vain person who worried about my appearance or what other people thought about me or what I wore which is something that I'm proud of, but at the same time it's that little bit of vanity that drives you to be and look your best and sometimes you need that.  Since having Ella I realise now that my life isn't just about me.  It's about her too and what I choose to do and how I do it will affect her as I am her teacher.  I don't want her to learn bad eating habits and want her to be an active child who loves the outdoors and doing fun physical stuff just as much as I used to and I want to be able to do it with her and not just sit on the sideline.

So I have signed up to the 1 Million Kilo Challenge to get my weight loss kick started and I'm actually kinda excited about it.  To be honest, Tim signed us up and I don't actually know exactly how it works but I know you get a weekly meal planner with shopping lists, an exercise plan and lots of other tools to make things as easy as possible.  I'm about to jump onto the site and read all about it now so I know what I'm in for.

Wish me luck!

Oh, and in other news, Tim's sister gave birth to her a little baby girl today.  Welcome to the world Evie!  I can't wait to give you a huge cuddle!

Little white lies

Since having Ella and going down to one income (prior to me going back to work of course) Tim and I resolved that we would have to start to be a bit more thrifty, not eat out so much, not waste the food that we do buy each week and to plan our meals better and so forth.

Tim works in the city and buying lunch in there means spending at least $15-$20 each day.  That's nearly $100 a week!  $5200 per year!  When you look at it like that it's ridiculous.  We could use that money for a nice holiday away, or Tim could buy more photography equipment - there's so many things we could spend that money on that would be better than dodgy sandwiches and bad takeaway chinese.

So with that in mind, I committed to making Tim lunch each day - well, as much as I could anyway.  Sometimes in the morning I am just too tired (if Ella has had a bad night) or just not that organised, but more often than not I will make lunch for him.  Ham, cheese and tomato toasties are the fave right now.  I put everything together and then he will put it in the pan in the kitchen at work.

I must admit that after not having to make him lunch in the morning before work during Christmas holidays, it was hard for me to get back into the swing of things when he returned, but I haven't been too bad.

On monday morning, my first day back at work, I was feeling good and getting all of my things done.  I was proud that I was so organised and even got to make Tim his lunch.  He left for work and I went about my things until I returned to the kitchen and saw his lunch still sitting on the bench.  Timmy can be a bit forgetful sometimes and it's something we laugh about all the time.

In the morning I received an email from him saying that he realised that he had forgotten his lunch and he felt really bad because he knew how busy I was in the morning but I had still made the effort for him.  Not to worry, we both just laughed it off.  He could just have it on tuesday anyway.

Tuesday rolls around, Tim goes to work and I looked in the fridge and discover that yet again, he had forgotten to take his lunch.  Timmy, Timmy, Timmy.  A barrage of silly texts back and forth ensues about how he's got the memory of an old man (he turns 34 on friday which he's not overly  excited about) and so forth but not to worry.

Now it's wednesday.  This time he remembers to take his lunch and makes a point of letting me know.

Along with our resolve to spend less money on food, we are also trying to be healthier by not snacking as much.  We eat good food, lots of veggies and fresh stuff at each meal, especially for dinner, but our downfall is that we like to snack.  No, we love to snack!  Chocolate, cookies, ice cream, you name it.  We will even go out of our way to go to the shops to get something if there is nothing in the cupboard.  How bad is that!?  It's guaranteed each night that at about 7.30pm we'll both be sitting on the couch and we'll look at each other and say "snack?".  We know it's bad every time we do it and we are trying really hard to stop.  We don't smoke or drink very much, but we are serial snackers I'm ashamed to say.  I am sure that if we stopped eating that stuff at night time we would both lose a lot of weight.

Anyway, conversion over dinner that night went a little something like this:

Me:  So did you finally eat your sandwich today?

Tim:  Yeah, I had meetings all day and I thought that they may have brought lunch in for us but my boss is so tight she didn't organise it, so I had my toastie.

Me:  I can't believe you forgot it so many times you idiot (or perhaps I may have used a different adjective to describe what I was trying to say).   Chuckle chuckle.

Tim:  Shut up!  (or perhaps he may have used another colourful term in retort)

We both just laughed...conversation turned to something else.

Then, we sat down after to watch a little bit of television.  Despite the fact the we happened to be watching The Biggest Loser I looked over at Tim, and this time the conversation went a little like this:

Me:  Snack? (with very guilty look on my face)

Tim:  No, I've been trying to be so good this week!  I haven't had anything for the last three nights.

Me:  Come on...just something little...

Tim:  No I'm being good!

Me:  (just looking at him with raised eyebrows...)

Tim:  Well I did have chinese for lunch so I've already been bad today...

Me:  (puzzled look on my face) what did you have for lunch?

Tim:  Chinese... (followed by blank look on face)

Me:  You had chinese for lunch?

Tim:  (penny drops and he realised he'd been caught out)

Me:  What happened to the toastie you had for lunch?!?!

We both couldn't stop laughing.  By this stage I had pounced on him and had started punching him playfully.  I had tears streaming down my face from laughing because I had caught him out and he felt like such an idiot.  He is the world's worst liar, or at least if he does lie, he can never keep it up like in this case.

Oh well, at least I know he appreciates it when I do make his lunch because he felt so bad when he forgot it so many time and he couldn't stop apologising.  Even if he doesn't actually eat it, that's gotta count for something right?

My first day back

Over the last few days and nights Ella has been very unsettled.  Most of the time when we put her in her cot she may protest for a minute or two but not long after she would settle herself down to sleep and would stay down for two hours or so at each nap time.  But not this week.  Any time we tried to put her down she would scream and scream and scream.  Sometimes a bottle would help, sometimes just a cuddle was necessary, and sometimes it didn't matter what we did, she would just continue screaming.

Every time she has an episode of screaming I always tell myself "she's just teething" and that's the reason why she's out of sorts.  But this has been going on for quite some time and so far no little teeth.  Maybe I'm just blaming teething, when in actual fact I just don't have a perfect baby who doesn't cry, as so many mum's would wish us to believe.

Yesterday she was particularly bad and I was worried that when mum came to look after her today Ella would be a nightmare and she'd have second thoughts about what she'd gotten herself into!

Thankfully once Ella finally went to sleep last night she didn't actually wake until around 4am and I gave her a bottle and she went straight back to sleep (thank God!) which meant that I could get in an hour or so more sleep before I had to get up and get ready for my big first day back at work.

Getting out of bed wasn't too hard and it wasn't long before I was into the swing of my usual routine.  I just had to get up a half hour earlier than I usually do so I could shower and get ready before getting Ella up and ready and Nanny arrived.

Surprisingly I was able to get all that needed doing done before I had to leave.  I even made some puree's up for Ella for the week and made lunch for Timmy. I was on fire!  Let's see how long that lasts...

It wasn't long before Nanny rushed through the door with her big smile and raced straight for Ella who mirrored her great big gummy smile back.  I warned mum that she had been particularly grizzly so to not be surprised if she didn't sleep well, and rest assured that it was not that she was doing anything wrong if she cried.

Time for me to go...

It was hard to walk out the door, with the realisation that from this day forth, every week, three times a week, I would be leaving her for the day.  I felt pangs of sadness as I got in the car and looked back at the house to see Nanny and Ella at the window waving to me.

"Pull yourself together Al!" I told myself.  It's just 6 hours.  And with that, I cranked the iPod and made my way to work.  I must admit, in a way I felt free.  I could listen to whatever I wanted as loud as I wanted, I could sing (badly) whatever I wanted as loud as I wanted and didn't have to worry about waking the baby or whether or not I had remembered to pack enough nappies or bottles for a day out.

I was welcomed back to work with lots of smiles and we're so glad to have you back's which was really nice.  It didn't take long for me to get back into the swing of things.  I was afraid that I may have lost my working groove but it all came flooding back to me.

The day went quickly and although I checked my phone a few times in the morning, it wasn't long before it was home time.  And it was then that I sat there and thought about the things that I had missed during the day.  Like the smile on Ella's face when she first wakes up from her sleep, followed by her big stretch when I get her out of her sleeping bag and how she always pushes her big belly out, then pants like a little puppy dog in anticipation of getting out of bed.  Or how she never fails to blow raspberries at me when she has a mouth full of pumpkin and sprays me with orange gunk, then laughs hysterically at how clever she is.

It was at that moment that I wished I was home.  Soon enough I was and there was Ella and Nanny just as I had left them.  Both with beaming smiles on their faces.

Mum was quick to tell me how good Ella was.  What a relief!  She had put her down for her sleeps and each time she lay down without a peep and just turned her cheek to the side and closed her eyes.  Bless!  They had both had a good day and I could tell that mum had really enjoyed the time that she had spent with Ella.

A quick cuppa and then mum left.  Ella was tired by this stage, rubbing her eyes and whinging.  I went upstairs to put her to bed and the moment I lay her down, she screamed!!  I couldn't believe it.  I picked her up to console her but it didn't matter what I did, she was not happy and wouldn't go down.  Was she angry that I had left her all day?  Did she want her Nanny back?  Was I doing something wrong?  Maybe it was just those teeth...

It reminded me of the first few weeks that I had Ella and she used to just cry all the time.  And so would I.  But then mum would come over and pick her up and she'd be fine.  I hated and loved my mum all at once in those moments.  Why could she get Ella to stop crying and I couldn't?  But by the same token, I was so thankful that I had such support and eventually I began to believe mum when she told me that it wasn't me doing anything wrong and that I was a good mama.

Eventually she calmed down and had a little sleep and when she woke she was happy as Larry again.  We read books, played games, had dinner and a bath and I must admit that I relished in that time we had together and really concentrated on just being with her and not thinking about anything else or being distracted by the computer, or the television, or my phone, or other meaningless things I waste my time with.  My short break away from her had reinvigorated me and reinforced to me that going back to work was a good thing after all.  For my sanity and being able to reclaim some 'me' time while I was away, and for my renewed appreciation of the time that I do have with my beautiful Ella.

Returning to work

My 6 months of maternity leave is finally up and tomorrow I am due to return to work.  Fortunately my boss has been really good and has agreed for me to return on a part time basis so I will be working 3 days a week for only 6 hours a day, so it's not so bad.

I have mixed emotions about returning to work and it is always such a hotly debated subject. When people would ask me if I intended to return to work, I would say that I was due to return when Ella was almost 6 months old.  Some people were fine with that, and others said to me "oh that's so early, Ella's still so young" and they'd look at me with 'those' eyes and a wave of guilt would wash over me.  I've never experienced so much guilt than I have since I became a mama.  I'm not sure what it is.  Motherhood seems to take the most confident and self assured person and turn them into self doubtful mess.  Well, at least that was the case with me.

For me, it seemed as though I had given birth to my beautiful baby girl, but a seed of doubt had been planted deeply in her place.  A seed that was always there in the back of my mind and made me constantly question whether what I was doing was right, and focus on everything that I couldn't do, like breastfeed successfully.  For the first few weeks of Ella's life, I was so hard on myself and felt like a failure.  It was so not like me, I am usually a very laid back and positive person but I just let that tide of doubt and guilt wash over me, time and time again and it was exhausting.

I'm not sure exactly when it happened but one day I thought back to what it was like before I had Ella.  The way that things felt so easy.  Why wasn't life like that now?  Why should I feel so different?  I was still the same person, I had just given birth.   So right then and there I decided to kick myself out of my slump.  I convinced myself that I should re-learn to trust my instinct, that I was a good mama and was making the right decisions for me and my family.  I stopped comparing myself to other mama's and stopped comparing Ella to other bubba's.  Weight instantly lifted off my shoulders.  I was happier, and Ella was happier.

Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments.  Motherhood is not always easy but I am learning to be more conscious of the present moment and to remind myself to trust my instinct.  To try to forget about that seed.

So when it comes to returning to work, and people giving me the eyes as if to say that I am making a wrong decision I don't feel as much guilt as I once did.  Sure, I don't want to leave her and miss out on playing with her and watching her learn and reach new milestones each day, but the majority of the week I am still with her and I do believe that spending time away from her, allowing me to have just a little bit of space and to use my mind more constructively at work, I will be a better mama and will appreciate more the time that we spend together.

I am lucky enough to have my mum look after Ella while I am working and my mum couldn't be happier.  My mum developed breast cancer a few years ago, had a double mastectomy and had to undergo chemotherapy treatment.  It was a tough time for her and our family, but she was so strong and positive and said that her major motivation to kick that cancer out of her body was so she could see me have children.  She is such a wonderful Nanny and when I feel that little bit of guilt start to creep in about leaving Ella to go to work,  I have to stop and realise that I am leaving her in the most capable hands and that Ella is so lucky to be developing such a close bond with her grandma.

I had a life before Ella which included work.  Work which I am good at and made me happy (most of the time).  I have made really good friends at work, so why should I feel guilty about wanting that again and doing something that makes me feel good?  Why should I feel guilty for providing for my family?

If there is one thing that I have learned about becoming a parent, it's that what is best for you and your child is not always best for somebody else and their child.  I try not to pass judgement on anybody for the choices they make for their family, whether it be co-sleeping vs non co-sleeping, breast vs bottle or returning to work vs being a stay at home mum,  because at the end of the day every mama just does what they think is right for them and their little one.

So after all that is said and done, I wonder what it will be like to actually walk out the door tomorrow morning.

That seed is starting to sprout again...

I couldn't have said it better myself

An afternoon at the park

Ella's little teeth are just about ready to come through and lately she is constantly grizzly and biting her gums or mouthing anything she can get her hands on to help ease the discomfort.  The heat at the moment doesn't really help her temperament either.

When she wouldn't go down for her sleep this afternoon I decided to take her for a walk to a nearby park.  We sat on the grass in the cool breeze and she enjoyed pulling out all the clover and feeling the grass in between her chubby little fingers.

For an hour or so she forgot about her sore gums, and I forgot about the mounting pile of washing in the laundry along with all the other jobs I should have been doing ...  but I think it did us both good.

Cousins

My brother has two gorgeous boys, Blake and Josh who are 10 and 7 years old.  They stayed the night at Nanny and Poppy's for a couple of nights as my brother and sister in law have returned to work and the kids are still on school holidays.  They love staying at Nanny and Poppy's and Nanny and Poppy love having them there.  It's so nice that they share such a special bond with their grandparents.

They are typical boys.  Always up to mischief of some kind, sweaty from running around like crazy and always with dirt underneath their fingernails from digging around in the garden.  Just the way little boys are supposed to be (and little girls if you were a tom boy like I was when I was little).  They love riding their motorbikes, scooters, skateboards and anything a little dare devilish.

Mum had an appointment one afternoon while they were there and since dad was at work, there was nobody to look after them and she didn't particularly want to take them as she knew they would get bored and agitated.  Enter Aunty Al!  Any excuse to see them and I'm there.

I took Ella over to mum and dad's place and was so surprised to see them playing nicely together - making origami of all things!  Something I never would have thought they would be interested in. Plus there were colouring books and pencils as well as domino's.  What happened to my little ruffians?

They have never been that interested in Ella.  Probably because she is so young and couldn't do much ... plus she's a girl.   But they both delighted in playing with her and helping her to roll over (a skill she has only just mastered in the last couple of days unassisted) and make her laugh.

It was so lovely to watch them interacting with her.  I can only imagine what they will be like when she is older.  I can just see her following them around like a little lost puppy wanting in on the action and to play with them and get that dirt underneath her fingernails too.  And I'm sure that they will just hate having a little girl tagging along on their adventures - or maybe they will surprise me like they did today and embrace my little ruffian too.

Blake, Ella & Josh

Origami photo frame

A lazy Sunday afternoon

Nothing much going on at our house this afternoon.   Just lots of cuddles on the couch.

I love watching these two together - my heart always bursts with pride and love.

A Ruby Wedding Anniversary

Today my parents celebrated their 40th Wedding Anniversary.  Wow, what a milestone.  I can't even imagine what it will be like when Tim and I reach this occasion, but I hope that we are as happy as my mum and dad.

Sure, they have their moments.   At times they infuriate one another and don't communicate well, but deep down there is love.  A kind of love that only comes after so many years and knowing your partner like nobody else does.

We went out for lunch today to celebrate with the family and my mum proudly wore a pair of ruby ear rings and a ruby and diamond ring which my dad had bought for her.  My dad is a surprising man.  To look at he is rough and robust, a typical Aussie "bloke" but if you know him well, you know that he is a sensitive and nostalgic type, one who cries when he sees a bride and whose lips still quiver when he looks at his grandkids in those quiet moments, so I was not surprised when he told us that he secretly went to a jewellery auction many months ago to find a gift for my mum for this special day.

Mum and dad, I wish you many many more happy years together.

Weddings, weddings everywhere!

So excited today when I returned home from an outing and found an invitation to my friend Sarah's wedding today! I love weddings - always such a happy occasion.  I am also extremely excited and honoured as Sarah has asked me to make her wedding cake!

I have loved cake decorating for years now and always make cakes when I can for celebrations.  I have even thought about setting up a business of some kind to sell them but unfortunately at the moment I just don't have the time to.  Although, I have sold several cakes over the years but not enough to make much money from it.  This is something that I want to change though and I really want to focus as much as I can on doing more cake decorating this year.

I remember before I went on maternity leave I had grand ideas that I would make cakes and build up my portfolio further and even look into making cakes for local markets while I wasn't "working" - what was I thinking?  I obviously had no idea how consuming a newborn was because I barely have time to shower and run a brush through my hair each day, let alone produce cakes!

I have actually made a few cakes over the last 6 months though, cupcakes for my baby shower, one for a 60th birthday, a cake for my nephew's 7th birthday, a birthday cake for my dad's birthday and some christmas themed cakes and cupcakes that I gave as Christmas presents - but nothing like the grand plan I had in mind.

  

Anyway, back to the point, I was so honoured when Sarah asked me to make her wedding cake.  She has shown me a picture of a design she likes which is very simple but beautiful and I can't wait!  Although I have to say that I am a little anxious about it - I've never made a cake for a wedding before and a wedding cake is such an important part of the big special day, so the pressure is on to make sure it's perfect.  Let's hope that it's not a massive flop and a picture of it ends up on cake wrecks!

Over the space of 2 weeks we have actually received 3 wedding invitations so there must be something in the air!  One was a very unexpected invitation.  In fact, when I opened it I was actually confused as to who it was from and why I was invited.  When I was around 14 years old I used to babysit in the local area and there was one family who had two lovely daughters that I regularly sat for.  Their eldest daughter is now 25 and getting ready to walk down the aisle.  At first I thought it was really strange that they should think to invite me - I haven't seen them since I was about 17 - over 15 years ago!!!  But after reading the invitation over and over and scratching my head a few times, I came to the realisation that it was actually a beautiful gesture (not weird as Tim had suggested) and I was chuffed to think that even after 15 years, I held a lasting impression on them and they had thought to invite me to such an important occasion.  I am really looking forward to seeing the family to catch up with them and find out what the girls are doing with their lives now.

One of my best friends, Kate, got married in November last year and I was a bridesmaid, along with 3 of our other best friends.  She has finally got the photo's back and we are catching up in a few weekends time to check them out.  Can't wait!  It was such a special day to be part of and I am sure the photo's will be amazing!

Ella...5 months

My little Juji, I can't believe that you are 5 months old already.  You are changing so much each day and continuously make us smile and laugh thanks to your cheeky little personality.

On one hand it seems that the day you were born and your tiny pink body was placed on my chest was a lifetime ago, yet the time since then seems to have sped up and I already start to get sad that you are growing up way too quickly and I can't believe 5 months has passed already.

Right now you are playing with your gums a lot and dribbling like nothing else so I think there are some little teeth which may be making an appearance soon.  You love being on your tummy (you used to hate tummy time and would scream after about 2 minutes) and push yourself up proudly with your arms and smile at us like you are the cleverest thing ever, then proceed to plant your face on the ground and lift your little bottom high up in the air while your little legs flail about.   Soon enough you will learn to do these two things in conjunction with one another and you will be off and crawling!

You love your food!!  Carrots, pumpkin, apple, pear, zucchini, potato, you name it.  Whatever we put in front of you, you want it in your mouth!  You weigh almost 10 kilo's already and are deliciously chubby!

You're no longer the little helpless baby you once were, now you are tenacious and strong willed.  You know what you want but get frustrated easily when you can't get it.  I wonder if you get that from me...

You reward us each day with the most gorgeous smiles and a laugh that is now my most favourite sound ever and I can't get enough of it.  Your happy disposition is infectious.

As sad as I am that my Juji is growing up, I love watching you each day as you learn and reach new milestones.  I am so proud to be your mama.

I love you so much!

xx

In the high chair waiting for your food

Trying to crawl

Bay Walk...

So, one of the things that I have vowed to do this year is get back into shape.  What a cliche!

I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted and wouldn't put on any weight, then my metabolism decided to turn against me (plus I stopped being as active as I used to be) and slowly I have been gaining weight.  Although I am definitely not obsessed with being a size 8 or anything like that, I do recognise that I need to get fitter and start looking after myself more.  I want to be a positive role model for Ella in terms of food and exercise so this is added motivation for me.

When I was pregnant I gained around 14 kilo's and I was so pleased when I lost 10 of those kilos within a month.  But slowly I have started to gain some of the weight again, not helped by the fact that I have eaten a truckload of chocolates, left over ham and all the other leftovers that come with Christmas time.

Today was hot!  But I got a bee in my bonnet about starting to get more active and decided that we had to do the Bay Walk.  Surprisingly Tim agreed, despite the fact that he had spent all morning in the sweltering heat pulling out our old retaining wall.

I felt good as we meandered around the Bay in the afternoon sun.  It was peaceful... until Ella started crying for the last 3 kilometers!  Oh well, it was still a nice way to spend the afternoon and a good way to kick off our goals for better fitness.

New Years Day

The sun was shining in the window when I opened my eyes this morning and Ella was still asleep at 7am.  I couldn't believe it.  Normally she is babbling away merrily in her cot from 6am (or earlier).  Instead of going to get her up I snuggled with Timmy, something that happens very rarely these days since I usually have to jump out of bed to feed bubba.  It almost felt like the old days when we could get up and out of bed whenever we wanted because we didn't have any responsibilities.

It wasn't long before Miss Ella was awake and we brought her into our bed.  She is always so happy in the morning and flashes her gummy smile at us as soon as we walk in her room.  I love watching her and Tim interact.  Hearing her squeal with delight as he pulled funny faces and said silly things to her melted my heart.

Today we met up with my best friends for lunch at Darling Harbour at a seafood grill.  Thanks to our tame night in last night we were feeling great and I had to laugh at all the hung over people hauling their butts home from a massive night out in the city.  With no hang over in sight for us we enjoyed a great afternoon in the sun drinking and eating delicious seafood amid lots of laughs and inappropriate banter about "bearded clams".  Don't ask...

What a lovely lazy day to start the new year.