Christmas Day

Well, Christmas has come and gone for another year.  All that anticipation and build up, and just like that, it's over.

Our living room turned into Santa's workshop on Christmas eve, with Tim putting together Ella's trike.  I think we were more excited about her reaction to it than she actually was when she got it!

Ella wasn't quite herself when she woke up on Christmas day.  Although she was happy with her trike, she was uninterested in opening all her other presents - still a bit young to understand what's going on I think and all a bit overwhelming.  Tim and I didn't go overboard with presents for each other this year, but I did receive a voucher for a pregnancy massage which I can't wait to have in a few months time.

We had lunch with my family which I always love.  Mum and dad do a full traditional Christmas hot lunch.  I can always remember Christmas as a child, our house full with the smell of roasting meat and vegetables, us all sweating in the searing heat, not helped by the fact that the ovens were going full force from early in the morning.  This year the weather was quite cool though so we were all comfortable inside the house, but that smell of a Christmas roast still took me back.

Dad cooked a delicious Turducken.  Some in our family were skeptical at first but it was a resounding success and did not disappoint.  For the next few nights we ate Turducken left overs - delicious fritters made by Tim as well as yummy grilled sandwiches.  We've also been gorging ourselves on left over pudding.  I'm glad that I can blame my expanding tummy on the baby this year!

In the afternoon we went to Tim's parents house for lunch.  More presents, delicious food and good company.

Although we had told our parents about the new bub, we were saving the news for all the other family members for Christmas day so we could tell them in person.  I've always loved Christmas for the family aspect but once you throw your own children into the mix it makes the day even more special.  I'm so excited to be adding to our brood!

Santa Claus

I worked on Christmas eve but promptly left at 2pm to come home to Tim and Ella.  It was a sweltering hot day so I was glad to come home to the air conditioning where we all just sat, played, wrapped presents and relaxed.

I had been wanting Ella to have a photo with Santa this year but she is not a big fan of the jolly man.  I had tried to warm her up by reading books about Santa and walking past him in the shopping centre, but the minute she sees him you can just tell that she's not comfortable.  I know she's still young and really when you think about it, he is pretty scary.  Big fat man wearing all red with a big white beard - that's pretty daunting, but still it's nice to have a keep sake each year.

Tim took Ella to the shops on Christmas eve while I was working and was hoping to get a snapshop to surprise me but unfortunately she screamed the whole time and although the photo's were pretty hilarious, he couldn't bring himself to spend the $50 for a photo like that.

I had already decided that I would bring home a Santa suit from work and get Tim to dress up in the hopes that we could take a photo ourselves. I thought perhaps if she was in a familiar environment and if Santa had a familiar voice she might be ok.  I was wrong.

Tim looked pretty legit in his suit but the minute Ella saw Santa she started bawling her eyes out.  She was not happy, even when Daddy took off the beard and spoke to her.  The suit went straight back into the bag.

A little later that night I was giving Ella a bath and she was having lots of fun.  Tim thought it would be a good idea to try out the Santa suit again unbeknownst to both of us.  So we were playing the bath tub and I saw Ella look up and literally freeze.  I turned around and there was Santa's head peering around the door into the bathroom.  It scared me so I can only imagine what Ella thought!  She immediately turned into a plank and sunk down into the bath so she couldn't see him, her eyes almost popping out of her head.

I'm not quite sure what Tim was thinking but that was the last strike with Santa and Ella.  We didn't try again, except the next morning when Ella came into our bedroom and saw the suit tucked inside the bag and the white beard and wig on top, she just pointed and said "Oh dear" in a very dramatic little voice.

Maybe next year...

Christmas is here!

Christmas is our busiest period at work so instead of winding down like most people, our workload increases drastically so I usually end up doing everything at the very last minute although each year I vow that that won't happen.  On the 1st December I was very proud of myself as I set up the Christmas tree and started to get into the Christmas spirit.  Unfortunately it kind of ended there...until last week.

I am happy to say that the house has been decorated, presents bought and wrapped, cards made and sent, ham purchased (very important!! YUM!) and I don't feel like a crazy woman rushing around getting these things done at the last minute like I usually do.

I love to make things for other people, particularly baked goods, and would have loved this year to give home made presents but unfortunately I just haven't had the time to do that.  As I shopped the other day I couldn't help be turned off a little bit seeing all the junky things that people are selling and buying just for the sake of it.  Don't get me wrong, I love buying or receiving a great present, but sometimes I feel that I am just buying presents for the sake of it and it just seems wasteful.  This year I have tried to be more thoughtful with the gifts that I have bought people and also made an effort to buy gift cards from World Vision where families/communities will be given animals and resources from the money that is donated.  I hope people appreciate that.

Tonight I am off to a special Christmas dinner with my best girlfriends who I haven't seen in a while now.  I can't wait.  It's the first time that we've been together for a couple of months and I am planning on sharing my news about baby number 2 which is exciting.

Bring on Christmas, Family & Friends!

Photos:

1)  Merry Christmas from my cheeky little elf
2)  Our Christmas tree the day that we decorated it.  Ella has been surprisingly good with it.  We have only had one incident where she pulled at it and it fell over!  I was upstairs at the time and just heard her little voice say "Oh dear!" (this is her new favourite phrase)
3)  The snow globe I bought Ella for her first Christmas.
4)  Making cards with Ella
5)  We caught our first glimpse of our new little bub at an obstetrician appointment the other day.  Very exciting!

Slow down

It's been over a month since we did a pregnancy test at home and found out that we were expecting again.  Tears of joy ensued.  I am obviously very excited about it but it is very different to last time.  Every morning after we found out that we were pregnant with Ella I would roll over and say to Tim "we're having a baby!".  It was all we could think about.  Now, when I wake in the morning it's at 5.30am when Ella starts calling from her cot and all I want to do is roll over and go back to sleep.  Then I get up and go about my daily things.  Cleaning the house, running around after a toddler, going to work etc etc.

Occasionally when I get a minute to myself I will sit down and put my hand on my belly and marvel at what's going on inside it, but most of the time I 'forget' that I'm pregnant and I feel extremely guilty about it!  It was only last night that I actually had a chance to physically see the doctor and finally get a referral for my obstetrician.  I just made an appointment now to visit him in a few weeks time so it all feels a little more real now.

Rest assured Little One, we're so happy you're here, mama just needs to slow down a little bit and be more present more often.

A long time between drinks

Wow, it's been a long time since my last post!  Time has just flown.  It's not that I haven't wanted to write on here but we just came into our busiest period at work and I am absolutely flat out from the moment I arrive in the morning until the minute I leave and so the last thing I want to do when I get home is sit at the computer, even if it's only for a short time.

I also received some extremely sad news about 5 weeks ago which has really made me reevaluate a lot of things that I do with my time and it made me realise the truly important things that I need to focus on, my home, my family and my friends.

A close friend of ours was diagnosed with ocular melanoma about 3 years ago.  Unfortunately they had to take his whole eye in order to remove the cancer, but that wasn't so bad, he had a glass eye in it's place and everything was 'fine'.  He started experiencing some chest pain recently and so went to the doctor and unfortunately found out that the cancer had returned and this time was in his lungs.  Secondary cancer was a huge shock but something that was treatable, until they found out that he had 27 lesions on his lungs.  Not good.  And after further testing they have also found that he has the first stages of cancer in some of his bones also.

The news completely knocked my socks off.  When I heard about it, the wind was simply knocked out of me in exactly the same way as it was when I found out that my mum had cancer.  He's a happy go lucky kind of guy, has a heart of gold.  He's my age, only 33 and has a little boy just three months older than Ella.  I think that makes it harder for me to digest as well.  It breaks my heart that he will not see him grow up.  He has opted not to have any treatment at this point because it would mean that he cannot interact with his son the way that he wants to.  An admirable, but again heart breaking, thing to hear.

That kind of news really makes you stop and think about life and what's important and I've been consciously focusing on those things alone.

This is what I've been up to:

Making lots of cakes!  This was a wedding cake for a friend's brother.  I really love making cakes, it's one of my passions and although it's hard to fit in the time to do it, I need to because it makes me happy.

After years and years of saying that I want to learn to play the guitar, I finally am!  After picking up Tim's old electric guitar and learning a song on it, I decided to buy my own guitar.  Happy to report that I am actually not bad at it considering I don't know the first thing about playing but YouTube has taught me a lot!  And when Brian Adams sang "...played it til my fingers bled", he wasn't kidding!  Ok, so my fingers haven't bled, but they blistered and peeled after the first day of playing for a few hours!

Spending lots of quality family time together.  Not necessarily going places, but just being together and enjoying the simple things.

Spending time in the great outdoors! Fixing up our garden so we can enjoy it this summer.

Catching up with great friends instead of just saying "Let's catch up" and not actually doing it.

Tim and I have also have initiated a weekly "date night".  We don't necessarily have to go somewhere but each saturday night we take turns in organising something or cooking a special dinner together so that we can spend meaningful time together, instead of just getting caught up in the hum drum of everyday life.

So, date night seems to be working wonders for our relationship!  I found out two weeks ago that I am pregnant!  Planned but still a surprise at the same time.  All happened very quickly but we are over the moon.  It's only very early days yet (I'm almost 7 weeks) but fingers crossed everything continues smoothly.

A little roadside happiness

I've always lived in the city, however spent a lot of time in the country growing up and I always feel at my best when I'm in quiet, wide open spaces.  I feel grounded.  I dream of one day living in the country.  A dream that I think of often, but don't quite think I am ready for at this stage in my life.

Although in my mind I have romantic notions of living in a quaint little house in the country with Tim, growing my own fruit and vegetables and raising babies who can run around in the wide open spaces, getting grubby and learning about nature, I recently came to terms with the fact that the timing of this dream is not quite right. 

I am not ready to leave family and friends behind to venture somewhere new and start over and at the back of my mind I wonder if it may also mean that my children may miss out on certain opportunities which may not be available to them in rural areas.  Having said that, there are innumerable things that growing up in the country can give you that you don't experience living in the city.  I was lucky enough to experience the best of both worlds in a way.

Right now, we live in the suburbs of Sydney, but only a very short drive away the buildings get smaller and farther apart and things become greener.  I love that on my way to work, in a matter of minutes I am looking at open paddocks and can see the mountains in the near distance.  I am thankful that I am driving towards this instead of the chaos of the city each day.

With my window down and the fresh air blowing in, my mornings are instantly lifted.  I drive by roadside stalls selling fresh fruit and vegetables and beautiful flowers.  Where there's an honesty box to pay instead of a cash register which seems so out of place in this day and age, but I'm glad it's not.  I feel good about buying fresh produce from a local farmer rather than going to a big supermarket chain (although I still have to do my fair share of this) and the flowers that I place on my table always last longer and make me feel happier when I look at them than when I buy a bunch from a florist at the shopping centre.  Somehow it just seems more meaningful.

The pictures above are of a tiny stall that I drive past each day on the way to work and whenever I see it, it just instantly lifts my mood.

So while one day I will have my quaint house with Tim, and my fruit and veges, perhaps the children at my feet with be visiting grandchildren, rather than my own babies.  I love living in the burbs, in our first house that we worked hard to buy together and poured so much into to turn it into our home, because again, I have the best of both worlds.  For now I will settle for this cart to be my romantic notion of country happiness each day.

The weekend

This weekend was spent mainly outside in our little back yard.  The weather was just perfect.

I made daisy chains and clover crowns with Ella while Tim worked on building a new retaining wall.

The photo below is not the best to demonstrate it, but gosh I love seeing my husband wearing work boots.  I reckon he's got better pins than I do!

Under the weather

Our household has been pretty  quiet for the last week or so.  Last weekend I was hit with a bug that knocked me out.  I haven't been that sick in a long time.  Throat on fire, completely blocked nose and bad cough.  Not so nice.

Tim had been trying to fight the same thing off for a few weeks and Ella came down with a very mild version as well.  So we were all feeling a little sorry for ourselves.

I am finally starting to feel back to normal now and as I came out of the haze I had a new drive to get things in order.  I spent the day on friday sorting out all our paperwork in the computer room and starting a spring clean.  It felt good to do those things.

Yesterday all I felt like doing was cooking.  Four years ago Tim and I went to America for an extended holiday.  Best time of my life ever.  We loved New York (who doesn't) and ate the best pulled pork I've ever had there, so I decided to try and cook it myself.

I found a recipe here and set about cooking it slowly during the afternoon.  I'm happy to say that it turned out really well and was absolutely delicious - so tender and juicy.  Not quite the same as what we had in New York, but great none the less.  I'll definitely be cooking it again.

Ella ...13 months

Stats:

• Height - 181cm
• Weight - 13 kilos
• Clothes - size 2
• Shoes - size 4

Loves:

• Nanny - Every time nanny comes to the door you light up and wave like crazy.  Even I don't get that reception when I come home!  I don't blame you for loving her so much though.
• Cheese!  If there's one thing that you love to eat it's cheese.  Even if there's nothing else I can get you to eat.  You can't quite say the word but you often sit in your high chair and bop up and down saying "chee" while clapping.  Sultana's are also another favourite.
• Wandering around the backyard or park.  You could spend hours on end just walking around and exploring and never seem to get tired of it.
• My iPhone.   You have just worked out how to turn the screen on and love to look at the screen shot photo that comes up of you and daddy.  It's scary how easily you learn how to use the phone and you know how to run your finger across the screen to move it, and pinch your fingers to make a picture bigger or smaller.  You're 13 months old for heaven's sake!
• Listening to music and dancing.

Hates:

• Leaving the park.  I dread putting you back in the pram because you kick and scream as if you're being abducted by a stranger and everyone stares at me!
• Being told that you can't do something.  It's your way or the highway according to you.

Words:

• Mama
• Dada
• Bubba
• Archie
• Chee (cheese)
• Quack (as in the duck sound - however you say 'kuck, kuck, kuck' every time you see a bird.  Close though. 
• Puppy
• Bird
• Elmo.  You love  your Elmo doll but your first pair of shoes was a little pair of sneakers with Elmo on them.  You now insist on calling any kind of shoe 'Elmo'.

Life

I haven't written anything on her for quite a while now.  I haven't really had much to say.  Actually that's not quite true, I have a lot of things swirling around in my mind but I'm not really sure I know how to articulate them.  Maybe they don't need to be articulated.  Who knows.

My little reset the other weekend did me a world of good though.  I've had a completely different outlook on things.  The warmer weather has certainly helped.

I've been spending my days (when I'm not working) outside with Ella, enjoying the sunshine on our shoulders and the warm air blowing on our faces while we swing and run around on the grass.  

Life is good.

You mean all I had to do was ask?

We've been going through a rough patch with Ella's sleeping again.  She's been great with her daytime sleeps but come night time we put her down at 7pm and she drifts off with no problems, but wakes at 9pm screaming for her 'dream feed', then again at 11pm, 4am and is awake again at 5.30am.   It wasn't the kind of waking where you can just go in and shoosh her either, in a matter of seconds she would be inconsolable, screaming as if someone was trying to murder her and it would take anywhere up to an hour or so before she properly settled down again.  Needless to say, this sleep pattern (or lack thereof) was probably a major contributing factor to my mood lately...

I started reading a book a couple of weeks ago called 'French Children Don't Throw Food'.  A friend had recommended it to me as it outlined some of the things that French people do differently when raising little ones and I am always interested in reading things like that.  Unfortunately I haven't had the time to read very much, only the first few chapters in fact, but what I read was that the French (generally speaking) believe that children are born with an understanding of language.  Even though they cannot communicate themselves, they believe that children understand language and should be spoken to like adults, not babies.

After much frustration from lack of sleep, the other night while I was snuggling with Ella and giving her her night time bottle before bed, I decided to have a little chat with her.   I spoke to her very calmly and basically just said that it was very important for her to get a good nights sleep so that she would have lots of energy to play the following day, and that if she woke up and was frightened during the night that mama and dada were either just down stairs or sleeping next door so there was nothing to be scared of.  I said that if she cried during the night I would come in and make sure everything was ok, but then after a while I was going to walk out of the bedroom and not come back in if I was certain that there was nothing wrong with her.  I ended the conversation by saying that I would come in and get her at 6am the next morning.

Tim sat next to me thinking that I was a bit of a fruit loop I'm sure.  We had been discussing weaning her off her dream feed at the same time too so we decided that that night we wouldn't give her a bottle at around 9pm if she woke.  This was going to be interesting.  I really wasn't looking forward to it.

After putting her to bed and again reassuring her that there was nothing to be scared about if she woke up during the night and that we would see her in the morning, she went straight to sleep.  Brilliant!  I went to bed early that night thinking that I was going to be in for an inevitable rough night again.  Tim also came to bed early since he didn't have to stay up for the dream feed.

I drifted off to sleep easily that night.  I woke to Ella crying just a tiny bit and looked at the clock and it was 11pm.  She hadn't woken at her usual 9pm screaming for a bottle.  I let her cry for a minute or two and then she went back to sleep.  Excellent!

I went back to sleep again and the next time I woke up I could hear her squeaking cot as she stirred at 5am!  I was sure that she would start to cry but again she drifted back off to sleep.  I didn't sleep after that because I was so excited that she had slept for so long without me needing to get up.  I was also surprised that she didn't kick up a fuss for not having her night time feed.  I had been dreading the weaning process of that feed thinking it would be really difficult, but it was simple!

I kid you not that at 6am on the dot she started talking to herself in the cot.  I raced in and told her how proud I was that she had slept for so long.  I excitedly brought her into our bed, still praising her and beaming to Tim about what she'd done.  His comment was "why didn't you tell her we'd get her at 7am".  I couldn't help but laugh.

That was the first night that she had slept through without me needing to get up ONCE.  The first time!  I was beyond excited.

Last night we had another little chat before bedtime.  I thought the night before was too good to be true and was really interested to see how things would go again this time.

Same thing happened.  She didn't wake for her dream feed and I literally didn't hear a single peep out of her all night until just before 6am.  I praised her again for her great effort and she seemed so proud of herself.

It's probably just a major fluke that this has happened two nights in a row, but maybe there is some truth to the fact that babies may understand more than we realise.  After all these months of trying different techniques and going through rough nights (not all the time) was it possible that all I had to do was ask her to sleep through the night?  Does she really understand me?  If so, I really need to start watching what I say around her!

Solo Sunday

I must sound like a broken record because I've said it so many times lately, but for a long while now I just haven't been feeling myself.  I can't quite put a finger on exactly what's wrong.  Probably a multitude of things that have just built up over the past few months.  I am feeling trapped into mundane routine, I've lost motivation, I'm quick to snap at the slightest thing and essentially just feel off balance, like I'm not in synch with the person that I actually am.

I really felt like I needed some time alone to think about where I am, where I want to be and how I get there.  A little soul searching I suppose.

My morning started out as usual with a snuggle in bed with Ella which I love.  Tim had a big night out with mates so he was sleeping in the spare room to save waking me because I've had such broken sleep this week.  The moment he surfaced I couldn't wait to get out of that house.   I was dressed and out of there in minutes.  Escaping the mess of my house, the chaos, the crying, everything.  All I wanted was some time to myself, not having to worry about anybody else, or sticking to a schedule.  Being able to sit and have a meal without feeling rushed.  Sipping a coffee without somebody pulling at my pyjama pants and actually being able to finish it instead of being interrupted to do something else for someone else in the house.  Putting myself first for once.

It was a beautiful clear morning, still a little crisp but you could tell that the day was going to be perfect.  I drove to the beach with my window down the whole way and my iPod blasting.  That in itself made me feel better.  I felt free.

When I got there I walked along to Shelly beach, watching people having brunch, dodging children on scooters, seeing old ladies bobbing up and down in the beautiful clear blue water, breathing in the fresh air - smelling salt, coconut oil, food - it all instantly made me feel better.  I turned around and walked all the way up to North Steyne and back.  Angus and Julia Stone sang to me about paper aeroplanes as I watched the glassy water and for the first time in ages my mind felt clear.

I stopped and sat on the beach for a while and just looked out to the ocean.  It was beautiful.  A fog slowly lifted from my head.

I found a cafe and ate a leisurely breakfast and savoured my coffee.  I meandered through the markets and walked into shops that I always admire from the outside but usually just walk past.  I didn't look at my watch once.

I headed up to The Heads to take in the view.  There were lots of people there but it was strangely quiet.   I sat in the car for a long time just admiring the view.  It was glorious.  A car pulled up next to me and I watched as an elderly man got out of the car with a younger man.  I assumed they were father and son.  The elderly man, who looked to be well into his 80's, shuffled so slowly to a chair on the grass assisted by the younger man and together they sat and admired the view also.  As I watched them I saw the old man put his hand tenderly on the arm of the younger man, and he then put his hand over his.  I have no idea what their story was but that private moment they shared together was even more beautiful than the view of the ocean.  It gave me a lump in my throat.

At that point I decided to head home, doing a few quick errands on the way but without rushing.

When I got home and walked through the door the chaos was still there, a crying baby and mess everywhere, but somehow it didn't seem so overwhelming now.  Those few hours just to myself were the best thing for me.  I felt reconnected.  I know that nobody is going to pull me out of my funk except me.  I need a change in mindset or I'm just going to stay in this rut.  While sitting on the sand I made a commitment to myself to consciously try to change the things that I can, and not worry about the things that I can't.

I went for another walk this afternoon with Ella and Tim and I could smell the sweet scent of blossom on the breeze.  Change is in the air and for the first time in a while I am excited about it.

In the blink of an eye

The title of yesterday's post was Happy Days.  It was a happy day.  It's funny how things can change in the blink of an eye.

Today my Godmother was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Mum looked after Ella today and as soon as I came home from work and walked in the door to see her face I could tell something was wrong.  She gave me the news and burst into tears and I hugged her as hard as I did when she told me that she had cancer.  This time I kept myself together though.  It's strange to think how roles reverse as you get older.  Mum was always the one that we would go to for support and to hear the words "It's all going to be ok".  Now I was the one holding her saying those words.

I was so sad to hear the diagnosis, but know that with her positive spirit she will be able to beat this, just like my mum did.

I am so sick of the 'C' word though.  I've heard it far too many times recently.