Great Expectations...

For the past week all I have been doing with my spare time is getting things ready for Ella's 1st birthday party.  Anyone would have thought it was my birthday considering how excited I was.  We just had a small party with our immediate family.  I was really looking forward to it because it would have been the first time that both of our families had all been together since our wedding.  And now there were cousins too and I couldn't wait to watch them play together.

I had a vivid image in my mind of how the day would be and played it over and over in my mind before I went to sleep each night.  And that was my downfall.  I over thought it all - I have a tendency to do that.  When I'm really looking forward to something I plan every little detail in my head and picture it all and play it out in my head.  The only problem is that other people are usually involved in these activities that I am excited about and I forget that they don't see these visions in my mind and so inevitably and unintentionally they throw a spanner in the works and into my perfect plans and everything is ruined.

Poor Tim usually cops the brunt of my irritation and disappointment in these situations.  For example if I'm really looking forward to the weekend after a long week I will plan out all the things that we'll do.  On friday night we'll get takeaway and watch a movie on the couch while we cuddle.  On saturday morning we'll go out and get breakfast at a cafe.  Ella will be on her best behaviour and people will come up to us and tell us how beautiful she is.  I'll have eggs benedict with smoked salmon.  Tim will have pancakes with a side of bacon and we'll have caramel milkshakes together.  And so it goes, our whole weekend is mapped out in my mind.

But the thing is, Tim doesn't want to snuggle on the couch for the entire movie on friday night because he doesn't have room to stretch out and his arm gets stiff when my head is on his shoulder for too long.  He doesn't even want to go out for breakfast in the morning, he wants to sleep in (it is his weekend after all too) and even if we did go out, Ella's not a robot that can be programmed to not be in a foul mood because she doesn't want to sit in the high chair any longer while we eat breakfast and inevitably will end up throwing some sort of screaming fit while we quickly scoff our breakfast and caramel milkshakes and run out the door with our heads hanging in embarrassment because she's making such a fuss!  And so then I sulk like a three year old because things hadn't gone the way I envisaged them and I'm in a bad mood for the rest of the day, or perhaps the rest of the weekend.  Stupid I know... but that's how my head works sometimes.

Anyway, back to the party.  It was themed yellow.  I bought different types of yellow material to make bunting and table runners, matching plates, heck, Ella even had a yellow and white outfit picked out for her.  It was beautiful and perfect!

I had planned to make her a bird cage cake for her party because she is obsessed with birds but when I started to put it together I wasn't happy.  Despite my mum telling me that it looked great, I just didn't like the way it looked.  That wasn't a great problem as I made another cake and was really pleased with how it turned out even though it was completely different to what I had in mind.  

But, while I was making the cake I received a phone call from Tim's sister.  "We can't make it any more" she said and I couldn't hide the disappointment in my voice.  Jaiden had been vomiting the night before and so they didn't want to pass any bugs on to anybody else.  Completely understandable but I could't help but feel sad that they wouldn't be there for Ella's first birthday party.  The first time that we would all be together as a family and the first time that all of her cousins would be able to play with one another.  And their family would no longer be in all the perfect photo's that we would take on the day that I had seen in my mind and that I would show Ella in years to come.

Mum spent the day with me on friday and helped make the bunting while I baked and we had lots of fun together.  It was all coming together nicely.

Party day arrived.  The sun was shining and it was as if it was a beautiful spring morning. I went out early to set everything up at Tim's mum and dad's place while Tim stayed home and looked after Ella until party time.  I picked up bunches of yellow and white balloons and happy yellow daffodils and jonquils for the tables.  It all looked perfect.

It was nearly party time so I had to duck home to get Ella and Tim.  I walked in the door and Ella was screaming her head off and Tim wasn't handling it too well.  We got her dressed eventually and I wanted to run out the door so we wouldn't be late, but Tim hadn't even packed her bag - too busy playing Medal of Honour (or something like that) while Ella had her morning sleep.  So I got the shits and quickly put everything together and soon I was slamming the door shut and glaring at Tim while I backed out of the driveway.

Ella was so excited when she arrived.  Huge smile on her face and for the rest of the day she just walked around the garden exploring.  I swear she would have walked about a kilometre in total that day!

It was all going along really nicely.  All my family had arrived, Tim's mum and dad and Tania (Tim's other sister) was there and everybody was happy.  Tim's brother had rsvp'd to say that he'd come but hadn't arrived so Tim tried to call him to find out where he was so we'd know when to start cooking the bbq.  His call was diverted to message bank.  A few minutes later Tim's mum received a text message saying that he was no longer coming.

Another big disappointment.  Tim's mum was really upset because now half of their family was missing and she felt awful that I had gone to so much trouble and catered for so when I didn't actually need to.   I am sure she had pictures in her mind as well of all her family being together on this special occasion.

I was really annoyed with Jon.  He must have had a big night out the night before or something.  We still don't know because he hasn't bothered to contact either Tim or myself to apologise for not coming. 

My family are close.  Not close that we see each other all the time or talk on the phone a lot, but we always get together for special occasions like this, no questions asked, and always have a great time together.  There is no way that my brother would not show up for something like this and vice versa, I would never not show up to his boys birthday party or other occasion.  Even if I had a raging hangover, I would be there playing with his kids (in-between hanging my head in the toilet bowl) because that's what's important to us.

I started to get upset again at this point and I could see that Tim was not happy.  This was the not the plan.  Not the way it was supposed to be.   But then I looked around and realised that I shouldn't be upset about anything.  Half of Tim's family were there (better than none!), my family were all there having fun and Ella had a huge smile on her face.

We ate and drank together in the sunshine, the boys played with giant bubble makers while Ella chased them and everyone was having a good time.  Ella ate cake for the first time and loved it and we all sat on the grass while she opened her presents.  At the end of the day we let her helium balloons go up in the air and all watched and laughed as we saw them become tiny specks in the sky and wondered where they would end up.  

It didn't matter that Ella trod on dog poo in bare feet, that the hat that I desperately wanted her to wear because she looked so cute (and that I spent a long time making) wouldn't stay on her head, that I forgot to put her birthday candle on the cake and that she got so cranky when we sang happy birthday that she cried.  And whilst it was sad that Tim's brother and sisters and family weren't there, it's not the end of the world.  While these are not the memories that I had imagined in my mind, they are good memories none the less.  And at the end of the day Ella had a great time and that's really all that matters.

Last weekend

Last weekend consisted mainly of either eating or making food.  I still feel full now.

Ella and I met Katy for lunch on friday for a bit of a catch up which was nice, except actually catching up isn't quite so easy these days.  It's a little hard to focus on conversation when you are running after a little one and stopping her from picking up pretty ceramic bowls and dropping them on the floor and from getting a little too adventurous climbing up and down the stairs and getting up to constant mischief.  

Ella got her first birthday present from Katy - a pretty purple tutu!  We put it on her immediately and she loved it.  She stood there proudly with her belly poking out, swaying her hips as the tutu twisted and walked around the house with a look on her face as if to say "hey...check me out!"  I am hoping that on her actual birthday we can get some photos of her in her tutu.

On friday night I got to catch up with the ladies from Mother's Group for dinner.  It was the first time that we had caught up without the babies which was really nice.  We sipped champagne, ate delicious Thai food and caught up on what's been going on.  For some of the mum's this was the first time they had actually been away for the evening from their little one!  Thankfully I have been able to get out and about on my own from time to time and Tim is good with looking after Ella (mostly - ha ha).  She was in bed before I left anyway and she generally doesn't wake up until her feed at about 9.30pm and then goes straight back to sleep.  Unfortunately the same couldn't be said about all the bubs.  One of the girls got a message from their hubby after 9pm saying that baby had only just gone to sleep after two hours of crying.  I am sure he is now shell shocked and won't be volunteering to look after baby on his own again any time soon.

Thai soon became coffee and cake across the road at the local pub of all places.  The pub that Tim and I met in actually.  I felt like an absolute nanna sipping hot chocolate and eating a slice of cake while all the young folk around us skulled one too many shots and made awkward conversation with the opposite sex.  It was a fun night out though and I certainly don't miss hanging out in seedy pubs every friday night like I did when I was in my early twenties.  Being a nanna isn't so bad after all.

Saturday morning I caught up with some other girlfriends for morning tea and we received some very exciting news that one is pregnant!  This is such good news as all she wanted was to get married and start a family.  She married in March and now the little one they dreamed about is on its way. 

I was a little clucky myself when I heard the news.  Tim and I have talked about when we would start trying for a second baby.  Some days I see a newborn and my heart melts and I want to jump in the sack and start trying straight away!  Then there are other days when Ella is not being the most cooperative child and I think NO WAY, not yet!  In situations like this though, the heart usually wins...

The rest of the day I spent baking cakes for a little girl's 5th birthday party on sunday.  I made a pink butter cake as the theme of the party was Strawberry Shortcake.  Iced it that night and then put the finishing touches on on sunday morning.  I was really pleased with how it turned out and I really hope she loved it.

I decided I felt like something delicious and homely for dinner on sunday night so I bought a nice big piece of lamb and found a recipe for Lamb Kleftico.  We have a lemon tree in our back yard which produces lots of fruit.  We picked them all off the other day and so I decided to try and make the most of them and using them in the Kleftico was perfect.  The lamb and potatoes sizzled away in the oven for 3 hours and it was nearly 8 o'clock by the time I pulled it out.  I was disappointed though that the meat was not falling off the bone as the recipe had suggested would happen by this time.  I decided that I would put it back in for another hour or so which meant that it would be too late to eat, so instead that night we ate chips and muffins that Tim made (also using our lemons) and had the lamb last night.

Since I was out and about so much on the weekend, Tim was pretty much with Ella all the time looking after her. I love watching them together.  He's so rough with her when they play, twirling her around by the arms and putting her on his back while they around the house, but she giggles in delight the whole time.  The biggest belly laugh you have heard!  I think he realised though just how much hard work it can be as he fell asleep on the couch while we were watching television on sunday night and he never does that.   I guess now he knows why I go to bed at 8.30pm most nights!  He hasn't teased me about my early nights since!

The play ground

Today was a drizzly cold day outside so we headed up to the shops to get some groceries, get out of the house and out of the cold.

After finishing the shopping  and having a little bit of lunch we ventured off to the children's play area.  I parked the pram next to all the other prams and we sat down.  I put Ella on the ground as I sat on the chair and she clung to my leg for a good fifteen minutes while she looked at all the other children playing.  I could tell by the tiny grin on her face that she wanted to join in the fun but she just wasn't quite game enough to let go of me.  I didn't want to push her.  And so we sat for quite some time, just watching until finally she started inching a few steps farther from me and lessening her grip on my leg.

And then off she went...

She proudly marched over to an activity where no other children were playing, looking over her shoulder back at me a couple of times just for a little bit of reassurance.  Bigger children were running around the play area chasing each other in amongst all the babies but I resisted the urge to go over and move her and tell the children to be careful of the little ones.  I sat back and kept watching as Ella played happily.

Another small child came up to her.  I'm sure it was older than Ella (I say 'it' because I couldn't actually tell if it was a little boy or girl), but was smaller in size.  I was interested to see how she would interact with the other child.  She looked them up and down and gently touched the other baby's hand as if to say hello and then continued playing.

The other child put its hand up and pushed Ella in the chest.  Ella looked and didn't quite know what to make of it.  Then they pushed her in the chest again, harder this time.  She still looked puzzled.  Then one final shove which sent her to her bottom followed by a swift slap across the face.  Ella turned to look for me and when she met my face she burst into tears.  I scooped her off the ground, she was almost inconsolable.  The overprotective mama in me kicked in and I felt so angry at the other baby.  Completely irrational I know since the child was only around one and didn't intentionally hurt her but still, my blood was boiling.  It's amazing the emotions that you feel for your little one when you become a mother. 

The baby bully had wondered off to go and play or harass someone else.  I have no idea where their parent was but if Ella had done this to somebody else's child (and there will be a time when she does!) I would go over and apologise!

Back to the seat we went and I cuddled her until the tears stopped rolling down her face.  Eventually she calmed down and she looked on again at all the children playing.  I put her back on the ground and again she stood there and clutched my leg, mustering the courage to go off for a second time without me.  We sat there for quite some time and she eventually did go off and play again and had lots of fun.  I could hear her squealing as she played.

From that point there was no stopping her.  She ran from here to there playing with different games and activities and watched the other bigger children play too.  I really enjoyed sitting there watching her explore on her own.  My little TODDLER.  She's not really a baby any more.

After a good ten minutes she came racing back to me with a huge smile on her face.  

An elderly gentleman was sitting next to me.  We had made small talk together.  When Ella came over to me he exclaimed "this one's been overfed!  Looks like she eats everything in sight!"

And with that, it was time for this overprotective mama to leave the playground...  Who says that?!

First memories

Last week a friend of mine from the US posted a picture of some clydesdale horses in a 4th of July parade.  It's funny how a simple picture can open the flood gates to memories past.

When I saw that image I instantly became a 3 year old girl again when my parents had taken us on a special holiday to Victoria.  When we went on holidays we always went camping or stayed in simple cabins in the bush which I absolutely loved.  We were not a family who went to fancy resorts in tropical climates, in fact I've never stayed in a hotel with my family in my lifetime.  My parents love the outdoors so we always spent simple holidays together, usually in a cosy tent in the middle of nowhere.

This holiday however was a special one.  My dad had organised for us to take a horse and cart trip around the Victorian Ranges.  Our horse was a beautiful big chestnut brown clydesdale named Fred and he pulled behind him our little family in a tiny red gypsy cart with a bed and two small bunks and simple kitchen facilities.

The gypsy cart was our home for a week as we meandered slowly through the beautiful bush ranges.  My dad steering Fred with reigns in hand, and my mum, brother and I sitting next to him on the bench seat of the cart.  We would stop where we wanted each afternoon and set up camp.  We'd feed and water Fred and then make dinner on the open fire and sit around for the rest of the night looking at the stars.

Dad always tells a story of how poor Fred got stuck in a creek one day.  We had tried to cross it not realising that creek bed was so soft in the middle.  We were bogged.  Dad unhooked the cart and pulled that out, but poor Fred remained and wouldn't move.  He was a stubborn old thing.  Dad tried everything to coax him out.  He tried the gentle approach with carrots to try and lure him to move and he tried the hard line approach of simply pushing and pulling as hard as he could but still Fred wouldn't budge.

After hours of trying, dad was completely flustered and had no idea what to do.  Swear words would have been echoing through the valleys I'm sure.  Fred was getting just as flustered too.  Dad pulled more but was worried that Fred might break a leg or do some serious damage.  He said to my mum "if he breaks his leg they'll have to shoot him".  This was his major concern.  You have to remember that this was before the days of mobile phones (I can just imagine my children gasping in horror at the thought as they read this in the future!), and we were in the middle of nowhere so my dad was justifiably worried about the situation.

Eventually poor Fred's legs were freed and he was able to walk out of the creek and we were back on or way.   Each night after we had settled camp, Fred's owner would meet us to make sure everything was ok, bring Fred his food, check his hooves etc.  That night dad explained what had happened earlier on in the day.  Right then my brother piped up and said "Daddy was going to shoot your horse!".  I can just imagine the shade of red my Dad would have turned Dad would have turned as he tried to explain what he actually meant!

I don't remember that day but there is one particular night I do remember as clear as if it were yesterday.  It's funny though because I had never thought about it until I saw that photo my friend posted the other day.  One night the man arrived with a special delivery.  My mum and dad had organised for him to bring a birthday cake for me.  It was my third birthday.  As I recall this I can smell the smoke from the camp fire and the bush and in my mind I can see us all sitting around the fire with everybody singing happy birthday to me.  As we ate cake my dad taught me how to find the Southern Cross and the Saucepan in the black sky above us and to this day when I see the stars starting to come out, I immediately search for these two landmarks.

I always hear people talking about their first memories and I have never had any idea what mine was, but this was it.  A three year old girl in the bush in the middle of nowhere with her family celebrating her birthday.

Ella...11 months

Sweet Ella

I can't believe how many changes we have seen in you recently.  In the last week or so I am absolutely amazed at the things that you have learned.  It's like all of a sudden a switch has been turned on and you really fully understand all the things that we have been saying to you for all these months.

You are so independent and so I am trying to give you as much freedom as I can (within reason) to do things for yourself.  I was brushing your hair the other day and gave you the brush and said "you do".  You usually just look at me and smile when I say this, but this time you held the brush and took it to your head and tried to brush your hair.  It was more like banging the brush against your head but you understood what to do!

In the bath the other night I said "you wash yourself" and you rubbed your hands over your big belly washing yourself.  Your smile was huge!  There are so many little things like this that you have picked up in the last week and I am so proud of you.  It makes me so excited to see you learn and understand all these new things, yet at the same time there is a slight pang of sandiness as I know that my baby is nearly not a baby any more.

The most exciting news of late though, is that you took your first steps on sunday.  I though it was a bit of an accident at first but then I stood you in the middle of the room and you took 3 steps to come to my open arms.  Your daddy and I were so happy for you.  Since then you have been starting to get a little more mobile.  A few tentative steps here and there, always with a cheeky dare devil look in your eyes.

I am trying to organise a first birthday party with family for you at the moment.  My mind has so many ideas swirling around.  I want it to be just perfect...even though you won't even remember the day.  Your daddy and I have also been having lots of fun finding presents for you.

Sweet Ella, you are the most precious things in our lives and make our little family complete.

Love mama.

These days you spend most of your time pulling things out of the drawers and annoying Archie.  You love to sit on daddy's tummy while you watch Giggle and Hoot before bedtime.