Happy days

Happy baby...

Happy mama...

Ella's Birthday

 

Last friday was Ella's first birthday.  Even though I know she won't remember a thing about it I wanted to make it special for her.  Plus, it was a celebration for Tim and I as well.  This was probably the most challenging year that we've had together.  Not in a bad way, but there are so many changes you experience as a couple when a new little person enters your family and there is obviously a new dynamic to the relationship which takes some time getting used to.  So really, friday was a really special day to be celebrated by us all.

Tim took the day off work which was nice.  All week the weather had been perfect, almost like Spring which really seems to have rejuvenated my spirits.  I've been a bit out of sorts lately - not much motivation.  We woke up on the morning of her birthday and it was cloudy.  Oh well, you can't help these things.

I couldn't wait to get up and see Ella.  I walked into her bedroom when she woke up and sang happy birthday to her while she looked at me with a strange expression on her face.  We all played in bed together and Tim and I marvelled at how much she had changed over the last year.  We are absolutely blown away by how quickly she is learning new things and the changes she is going through from a baby to a toddler.

When we brought her downstairs, her presents were waiting for her.  She wasn't all that excited about them I have to say.  We tried not to go overboard with the presents, just a few things we thought she would really like.  We bought her a Wheely Bug...which she loved but she's too tall for it so I have to try and sell it and get the next size up!  We also bought her some books since she loves reading so much, a beautiful Jack In A Box which never fails to make her laugh every time the little clown pops up, a cute Hoot bean bag and a cockatoo hand puppet because she is obsessed with birds, particularly cocky's as our neighbours feed them and she loves to watch them in the morning.  Of course, the puppet was the cheapest thing we bought (a bargain at $5!!) and it's her new favourite thing.  She clutched it for the entire day and still plucks it out from her pile of toys to play with each day.

Daddy made pancakes for breakfast and as we ate them the sun came out and it turned into another perfect day.  We decided to head down to a cafe and play area at Pittwater and spend the day next to the water.  We had lunch in the sun, played in the play ground and let Ella roam freely in the beautiful grassy park next to the water.  She is a little adventurer and loves the outdoors.  Once we put her down she was off without even a glance back at us (this was unheard of only a few weeks ago - she basically wouldn't leave our sides) and explored for a good hour or so before she got tired.  Needless to say she fell asleep as soon as we got in the car to go home.

We celebrated in the evening with a little cake and lots of cuddles.  She's never really been a snuggly baby, she always just wanted to do her own thing and not be held.  Although she still has a very strong will and wants to do her own thing, she's really started to become affectionate.  After dinner she hopped into my lap and just lay on my chest as content as anything.  That moment was pure bliss for me.  The end to such a simple day with my little family.

Before her birthday, I had a really hard time coming to terms with the fact that she was turning one.  I know it sounds silly but I cried several times just at the thought (Tim thinks I'm crazy!).  I looked at photos of her on the day that she was born and I can't put into words the feelings that overcome me as I think of how quickly she is growing up.  Although I'm sad that the real baby phase is over, I have to say that at this age I am probably the most comfortable I have ever been as a mother and I can't wait to see what the year ahead brings, not only for Ella, but for Tim and I as we grow as well.

One year ago...

The 2nd of August 2011.  I was due to see my obstetrician to talk about inducing my stubborn little bubba who was 12 days overdue.  I had slight cramps during the night but nothing notable so during our visit we expected him to tell me to pack my bags and be ready to be induced the very next morning.

After a quick examination and some encouraging words we left the doctor's office to spend a quiet afternoon together before the big day.  We went up to the local shopping centre to grab some lunch and as we walked from the car to the restaurant I started to feel sharp contractions in my belly.  I remember telling Tim what was happening and we both couldn't wipe the smiles off our faces.  This was really happening.

As we ate our lunch I continued to feel contractions.  I laughed and cried nervously, not knowing what to expect. We rushed home and I jumped into a hot bath to try and relax.  Tim took Archie over to his mum and dad's place to look after him and while he was away I timed my contractions.  They were coming closer and closer together.  I couldn't believe this was all happening so fast.  It was the moment that I had waited so long for, yet I was so very anxious.

The contractions were coming regularly and I happily reported to Tim when he got back home that they were only five minutes apart.  We decided to get ready to go to the hospital and before I knew it we were walking in through the doors of the place where I was going to give birth.  I was about to become a mother!

In hindsight we went to the hospital way too early.  Although the contractions were close together for quite a period of time, the minute we walked through those doors, all the activity slowed down and almost came to a halt.  We walked the hospital grounds hand in hand, stopping briefly at times so I could clutch Tim as a wave of pain came over me.

Night fell and I hadn't progressed at all.  After many long hours at the hospital I had not dilated any further. Another two hours passed and there was no change.  After speaking with my obstetrician, he decided to break my waters.  I thought that the contractions I had been feeling were painful enough but it was nothing compared to what was to come!  I was in true labour now!

I didn't have a birth plan as such.  I didn't want to go in with a full idea of how my birth was going to be, knowing that things can happen which are out of our control in these situations so I didn't want to be disappointed if things didn't go the way that I planned.  I went in with an open mind and was open to the advice of my obstetrician who I trusted completely.  I did want to try to go drug free if I possibly could, but hot baths, followed by gas did nothing to alleviate the pain that I felt.  A kind of pain that I had never experienced before.  I was quickly becoming exhausted.  Instead of quieting my mind and trying to relax, I fought each contraction  because I was so nervous about what was happening and I'm sure this didn't help.

At almost midnight I couldn't take the pain any longer and decided to opt for an epidural so that I could try and get some rest.  The anaesthetist came and I could have kissed him.  The pain was gone and I was able to rest as much as I could, which really wasn't much.  I clutched my stomach the whole night so I could feel the tightening of my belly with each contraction since I couldn't actually feel any sensation.

6am came and I was finally around 10cm dilated.  The obstetrician was on his way.  Finally my baby was coming, some 15  hours after I arrived at the hospital.  Tim held my hand while I pushed as hard as I could with each contraction.  Baby's heart beat started to become erratic so the obstetrician decided to use the vacuum to assist the process.

It was all a blur at this point but before I knew it a warm pink body was placed upon my chest.  A tiny baby (who was actually not so tiny) clung to my finger and screeched.  I was speechless.  I always thought that I would cry when I had a baby since I am such an emotional person, but I was in complete awe of the situation. I shushed gently and stroked the smooth skin.  I didn't even know if we had a boy or a girl.  I didn't care.  My baby was here.  Healthy and alert.  All the pain that I felt initially was forgotten in a heart beat.

Eventually I asked Tim what we had and he told me it was a little girl.  The most beautiful little thing I had ever seen.  We lay together for some time, Tim and I looking at each other in amazement at what we had created.  Tim cut the umbilical cord and we were left alone - our new little family of three.

We hadn't really decided on a name for a little girl, but after some time we chose Ella.  It was at this point that Tim cried his first tears.  "Our baby is Ella" he said and then the tears welled in my eyes too.

Ella, your daddy and I still look at each other and marvel at the fact that you are a product of our love.  We could never have imagined how much you mean to us.

Great Expectations...

For the past week all I have been doing with my spare time is getting things ready for Ella's 1st birthday party.  Anyone would have thought it was my birthday considering how excited I was.  We just had a small party with our immediate family.  I was really looking forward to it because it would have been the first time that both of our families had all been together since our wedding.  And now there were cousins too and I couldn't wait to watch them play together.

I had a vivid image in my mind of how the day would be and played it over and over in my mind before I went to sleep each night.  And that was my downfall.  I over thought it all - I have a tendency to do that.  When I'm really looking forward to something I plan every little detail in my head and picture it all and play it out in my head.  The only problem is that other people are usually involved in these activities that I am excited about and I forget that they don't see these visions in my mind and so inevitably and unintentionally they throw a spanner in the works and into my perfect plans and everything is ruined.

Poor Tim usually cops the brunt of my irritation and disappointment in these situations.  For example if I'm really looking forward to the weekend after a long week I will plan out all the things that we'll do.  On friday night we'll get takeaway and watch a movie on the couch while we cuddle.  On saturday morning we'll go out and get breakfast at a cafe.  Ella will be on her best behaviour and people will come up to us and tell us how beautiful she is.  I'll have eggs benedict with smoked salmon.  Tim will have pancakes with a side of bacon and we'll have caramel milkshakes together.  And so it goes, our whole weekend is mapped out in my mind.

But the thing is, Tim doesn't want to snuggle on the couch for the entire movie on friday night because he doesn't have room to stretch out and his arm gets stiff when my head is on his shoulder for too long.  He doesn't even want to go out for breakfast in the morning, he wants to sleep in (it is his weekend after all too) and even if we did go out, Ella's not a robot that can be programmed to not be in a foul mood because she doesn't want to sit in the high chair any longer while we eat breakfast and inevitably will end up throwing some sort of screaming fit while we quickly scoff our breakfast and caramel milkshakes and run out the door with our heads hanging in embarrassment because she's making such a fuss!  And so then I sulk like a three year old because things hadn't gone the way I envisaged them and I'm in a bad mood for the rest of the day, or perhaps the rest of the weekend.  Stupid I know... but that's how my head works sometimes.

Anyway, back to the party.  It was themed yellow.  I bought different types of yellow material to make bunting and table runners, matching plates, heck, Ella even had a yellow and white outfit picked out for her.  It was beautiful and perfect!

I had planned to make her a bird cage cake for her party because she is obsessed with birds but when I started to put it together I wasn't happy.  Despite my mum telling me that it looked great, I just didn't like the way it looked.  That wasn't a great problem as I made another cake and was really pleased with how it turned out even though it was completely different to what I had in mind.  

But, while I was making the cake I received a phone call from Tim's sister.  "We can't make it any more" she said and I couldn't hide the disappointment in my voice.  Jaiden had been vomiting the night before and so they didn't want to pass any bugs on to anybody else.  Completely understandable but I could't help but feel sad that they wouldn't be there for Ella's first birthday party.  The first time that we would all be together as a family and the first time that all of her cousins would be able to play with one another.  And their family would no longer be in all the perfect photo's that we would take on the day that I had seen in my mind and that I would show Ella in years to come.

Mum spent the day with me on friday and helped make the bunting while I baked and we had lots of fun together.  It was all coming together nicely.

Party day arrived.  The sun was shining and it was as if it was a beautiful spring morning. I went out early to set everything up at Tim's mum and dad's place while Tim stayed home and looked after Ella until party time.  I picked up bunches of yellow and white balloons and happy yellow daffodils and jonquils for the tables.  It all looked perfect.

It was nearly party time so I had to duck home to get Ella and Tim.  I walked in the door and Ella was screaming her head off and Tim wasn't handling it too well.  We got her dressed eventually and I wanted to run out the door so we wouldn't be late, but Tim hadn't even packed her bag - too busy playing Medal of Honour (or something like that) while Ella had her morning sleep.  So I got the shits and quickly put everything together and soon I was slamming the door shut and glaring at Tim while I backed out of the driveway.

Ella was so excited when she arrived.  Huge smile on her face and for the rest of the day she just walked around the garden exploring.  I swear she would have walked about a kilometre in total that day!

It was all going along really nicely.  All my family had arrived, Tim's mum and dad and Tania (Tim's other sister) was there and everybody was happy.  Tim's brother had rsvp'd to say that he'd come but hadn't arrived so Tim tried to call him to find out where he was so we'd know when to start cooking the bbq.  His call was diverted to message bank.  A few minutes later Tim's mum received a text message saying that he was no longer coming.

Another big disappointment.  Tim's mum was really upset because now half of their family was missing and she felt awful that I had gone to so much trouble and catered for so when I didn't actually need to.   I am sure she had pictures in her mind as well of all her family being together on this special occasion.

I was really annoyed with Jon.  He must have had a big night out the night before or something.  We still don't know because he hasn't bothered to contact either Tim or myself to apologise for not coming. 

My family are close.  Not close that we see each other all the time or talk on the phone a lot, but we always get together for special occasions like this, no questions asked, and always have a great time together.  There is no way that my brother would not show up for something like this and vice versa, I would never not show up to his boys birthday party or other occasion.  Even if I had a raging hangover, I would be there playing with his kids (in-between hanging my head in the toilet bowl) because that's what's important to us.

I started to get upset again at this point and I could see that Tim was not happy.  This was the not the plan.  Not the way it was supposed to be.   But then I looked around and realised that I shouldn't be upset about anything.  Half of Tim's family were there (better than none!), my family were all there having fun and Ella had a huge smile on her face.

We ate and drank together in the sunshine, the boys played with giant bubble makers while Ella chased them and everyone was having a good time.  Ella ate cake for the first time and loved it and we all sat on the grass while she opened her presents.  At the end of the day we let her helium balloons go up in the air and all watched and laughed as we saw them become tiny specks in the sky and wondered where they would end up.  

It didn't matter that Ella trod on dog poo in bare feet, that the hat that I desperately wanted her to wear because she looked so cute (and that I spent a long time making) wouldn't stay on her head, that I forgot to put her birthday candle on the cake and that she got so cranky when we sang happy birthday that she cried.  And whilst it was sad that Tim's brother and sisters and family weren't there, it's not the end of the world.  While these are not the memories that I had imagined in my mind, they are good memories none the less.  And at the end of the day Ella had a great time and that's really all that matters.

Last weekend

Last weekend consisted mainly of either eating or making food.  I still feel full now.

Ella and I met Katy for lunch on friday for a bit of a catch up which was nice, except actually catching up isn't quite so easy these days.  It's a little hard to focus on conversation when you are running after a little one and stopping her from picking up pretty ceramic bowls and dropping them on the floor and from getting a little too adventurous climbing up and down the stairs and getting up to constant mischief.  

Ella got her first birthday present from Katy - a pretty purple tutu!  We put it on her immediately and she loved it.  She stood there proudly with her belly poking out, swaying her hips as the tutu twisted and walked around the house with a look on her face as if to say "hey...check me out!"  I am hoping that on her actual birthday we can get some photos of her in her tutu.

On friday night I got to catch up with the ladies from Mother's Group for dinner.  It was the first time that we had caught up without the babies which was really nice.  We sipped champagne, ate delicious Thai food and caught up on what's been going on.  For some of the mum's this was the first time they had actually been away for the evening from their little one!  Thankfully I have been able to get out and about on my own from time to time and Tim is good with looking after Ella (mostly - ha ha).  She was in bed before I left anyway and she generally doesn't wake up until her feed at about 9.30pm and then goes straight back to sleep.  Unfortunately the same couldn't be said about all the bubs.  One of the girls got a message from their hubby after 9pm saying that baby had only just gone to sleep after two hours of crying.  I am sure he is now shell shocked and won't be volunteering to look after baby on his own again any time soon.

Thai soon became coffee and cake across the road at the local pub of all places.  The pub that Tim and I met in actually.  I felt like an absolute nanna sipping hot chocolate and eating a slice of cake while all the young folk around us skulled one too many shots and made awkward conversation with the opposite sex.  It was a fun night out though and I certainly don't miss hanging out in seedy pubs every friday night like I did when I was in my early twenties.  Being a nanna isn't so bad after all.

Saturday morning I caught up with some other girlfriends for morning tea and we received some very exciting news that one is pregnant!  This is such good news as all she wanted was to get married and start a family.  She married in March and now the little one they dreamed about is on its way. 

I was a little clucky myself when I heard the news.  Tim and I have talked about when we would start trying for a second baby.  Some days I see a newborn and my heart melts and I want to jump in the sack and start trying straight away!  Then there are other days when Ella is not being the most cooperative child and I think NO WAY, not yet!  In situations like this though, the heart usually wins...

The rest of the day I spent baking cakes for a little girl's 5th birthday party on sunday.  I made a pink butter cake as the theme of the party was Strawberry Shortcake.  Iced it that night and then put the finishing touches on on sunday morning.  I was really pleased with how it turned out and I really hope she loved it.

I decided I felt like something delicious and homely for dinner on sunday night so I bought a nice big piece of lamb and found a recipe for Lamb Kleftico.  We have a lemon tree in our back yard which produces lots of fruit.  We picked them all off the other day and so I decided to try and make the most of them and using them in the Kleftico was perfect.  The lamb and potatoes sizzled away in the oven for 3 hours and it was nearly 8 o'clock by the time I pulled it out.  I was disappointed though that the meat was not falling off the bone as the recipe had suggested would happen by this time.  I decided that I would put it back in for another hour or so which meant that it would be too late to eat, so instead that night we ate chips and muffins that Tim made (also using our lemons) and had the lamb last night.

Since I was out and about so much on the weekend, Tim was pretty much with Ella all the time looking after her. I love watching them together.  He's so rough with her when they play, twirling her around by the arms and putting her on his back while they around the house, but she giggles in delight the whole time.  The biggest belly laugh you have heard!  I think he realised though just how much hard work it can be as he fell asleep on the couch while we were watching television on sunday night and he never does that.   I guess now he knows why I go to bed at 8.30pm most nights!  He hasn't teased me about my early nights since!

The play ground

Today was a drizzly cold day outside so we headed up to the shops to get some groceries, get out of the house and out of the cold.

After finishing the shopping  and having a little bit of lunch we ventured off to the children's play area.  I parked the pram next to all the other prams and we sat down.  I put Ella on the ground as I sat on the chair and she clung to my leg for a good fifteen minutes while she looked at all the other children playing.  I could tell by the tiny grin on her face that she wanted to join in the fun but she just wasn't quite game enough to let go of me.  I didn't want to push her.  And so we sat for quite some time, just watching until finally she started inching a few steps farther from me and lessening her grip on my leg.

And then off she went...

She proudly marched over to an activity where no other children were playing, looking over her shoulder back at me a couple of times just for a little bit of reassurance.  Bigger children were running around the play area chasing each other in amongst all the babies but I resisted the urge to go over and move her and tell the children to be careful of the little ones.  I sat back and kept watching as Ella played happily.

Another small child came up to her.  I'm sure it was older than Ella (I say 'it' because I couldn't actually tell if it was a little boy or girl), but was smaller in size.  I was interested to see how she would interact with the other child.  She looked them up and down and gently touched the other baby's hand as if to say hello and then continued playing.

The other child put its hand up and pushed Ella in the chest.  Ella looked and didn't quite know what to make of it.  Then they pushed her in the chest again, harder this time.  She still looked puzzled.  Then one final shove which sent her to her bottom followed by a swift slap across the face.  Ella turned to look for me and when she met my face she burst into tears.  I scooped her off the ground, she was almost inconsolable.  The overprotective mama in me kicked in and I felt so angry at the other baby.  Completely irrational I know since the child was only around one and didn't intentionally hurt her but still, my blood was boiling.  It's amazing the emotions that you feel for your little one when you become a mother. 

The baby bully had wondered off to go and play or harass someone else.  I have no idea where their parent was but if Ella had done this to somebody else's child (and there will be a time when she does!) I would go over and apologise!

Back to the seat we went and I cuddled her until the tears stopped rolling down her face.  Eventually she calmed down and she looked on again at all the children playing.  I put her back on the ground and again she stood there and clutched my leg, mustering the courage to go off for a second time without me.  We sat there for quite some time and she eventually did go off and play again and had lots of fun.  I could hear her squealing as she played.

From that point there was no stopping her.  She ran from here to there playing with different games and activities and watched the other bigger children play too.  I really enjoyed sitting there watching her explore on her own.  My little TODDLER.  She's not really a baby any more.

After a good ten minutes she came racing back to me with a huge smile on her face.  

An elderly gentleman was sitting next to me.  We had made small talk together.  When Ella came over to me he exclaimed "this one's been overfed!  Looks like she eats everything in sight!"

And with that, it was time for this overprotective mama to leave the playground...  Who says that?!

First memories

Last week a friend of mine from the US posted a picture of some clydesdale horses in a 4th of July parade.  It's funny how a simple picture can open the flood gates to memories past.

When I saw that image I instantly became a 3 year old girl again when my parents had taken us on a special holiday to Victoria.  When we went on holidays we always went camping or stayed in simple cabins in the bush which I absolutely loved.  We were not a family who went to fancy resorts in tropical climates, in fact I've never stayed in a hotel with my family in my lifetime.  My parents love the outdoors so we always spent simple holidays together, usually in a cosy tent in the middle of nowhere.

This holiday however was a special one.  My dad had organised for us to take a horse and cart trip around the Victorian Ranges.  Our horse was a beautiful big chestnut brown clydesdale named Fred and he pulled behind him our little family in a tiny red gypsy cart with a bed and two small bunks and simple kitchen facilities.

The gypsy cart was our home for a week as we meandered slowly through the beautiful bush ranges.  My dad steering Fred with reigns in hand, and my mum, brother and I sitting next to him on the bench seat of the cart.  We would stop where we wanted each afternoon and set up camp.  We'd feed and water Fred and then make dinner on the open fire and sit around for the rest of the night looking at the stars.

Dad always tells a story of how poor Fred got stuck in a creek one day.  We had tried to cross it not realising that creek bed was so soft in the middle.  We were bogged.  Dad unhooked the cart and pulled that out, but poor Fred remained and wouldn't move.  He was a stubborn old thing.  Dad tried everything to coax him out.  He tried the gentle approach with carrots to try and lure him to move and he tried the hard line approach of simply pushing and pulling as hard as he could but still Fred wouldn't budge.

After hours of trying, dad was completely flustered and had no idea what to do.  Swear words would have been echoing through the valleys I'm sure.  Fred was getting just as flustered too.  Dad pulled more but was worried that Fred might break a leg or do some serious damage.  He said to my mum "if he breaks his leg they'll have to shoot him".  This was his major concern.  You have to remember that this was before the days of mobile phones (I can just imagine my children gasping in horror at the thought as they read this in the future!), and we were in the middle of nowhere so my dad was justifiably worried about the situation.

Eventually poor Fred's legs were freed and he was able to walk out of the creek and we were back on or way.   Each night after we had settled camp, Fred's owner would meet us to make sure everything was ok, bring Fred his food, check his hooves etc.  That night dad explained what had happened earlier on in the day.  Right then my brother piped up and said "Daddy was going to shoot your horse!".  I can just imagine the shade of red my Dad would have turned Dad would have turned as he tried to explain what he actually meant!

I don't remember that day but there is one particular night I do remember as clear as if it were yesterday.  It's funny though because I had never thought about it until I saw that photo my friend posted the other day.  One night the man arrived with a special delivery.  My mum and dad had organised for him to bring a birthday cake for me.  It was my third birthday.  As I recall this I can smell the smoke from the camp fire and the bush and in my mind I can see us all sitting around the fire with everybody singing happy birthday to me.  As we ate cake my dad taught me how to find the Southern Cross and the Saucepan in the black sky above us and to this day when I see the stars starting to come out, I immediately search for these two landmarks.

I always hear people talking about their first memories and I have never had any idea what mine was, but this was it.  A three year old girl in the bush in the middle of nowhere with her family celebrating her birthday.