I must sound like a broken record because I've said it so many times lately, but for a long while now I just haven't been feeling myself. I can't quite put a finger on exactly what's wrong. Probably a multitude of things that have just built up over the past few months. I am feeling trapped into mundane routine, I've lost motivation, I'm quick to snap at the slightest thing and essentially just feel off balance, like I'm not in synch with the person that I actually am.
I really felt like I needed some time alone to think about where I am, where I want to be and how I get there. A little soul searching I suppose.
My morning started out as usual with a snuggle in bed with Ella which I love. Tim had a big night out with mates so he was sleeping in the spare room to save waking me because I've had such broken sleep this week. The moment he surfaced I couldn't wait to get out of that house. I was dressed and out of there in minutes. Escaping the mess of my house, the chaos, the crying, everything. All I wanted was some time to myself, not having to worry about anybody else, or sticking to a schedule. Being able to sit and have a meal without feeling rushed. Sipping a coffee without somebody pulling at my pyjama pants and actually being able to finish it instead of being interrupted to do something else for someone else in the house. Putting myself first for once.
It was a beautiful clear morning, still a little crisp but you could tell that the day was going to be perfect. I drove to the beach with my window down the whole way and my iPod blasting. That in itself made me feel better. I felt free.
When I got there I walked along to Shelly beach, watching people having brunch, dodging children on scooters, seeing old ladies bobbing up and down in the beautiful clear blue water, breathing in the fresh air - smelling salt, coconut oil, food - it all instantly made me feel better. I turned around and walked all the way up to North Steyne and back. Angus and Julia Stone sang to me about paper aeroplanes as I watched the glassy water and for the first time in ages my mind felt clear.
I stopped and sat on the beach for a while and just looked out to the ocean. It was beautiful. A fog slowly lifted from my head.
I found a cafe and ate a leisurely breakfast and savoured my coffee. I meandered through the markets and walked into shops that I always admire from the outside but usually just walk past. I didn't look at my watch once.
I headed up to The Heads to take in the view. There were lots of people there but it was strangely quiet. I sat in the car for a long time just admiring the view. It was glorious. A car pulled up next to me and I watched as an elderly man got out of the car with a younger man. I assumed they were father and son. The elderly man, who looked to be well into his 80's, shuffled so slowly to a chair on the grass assisted by the younger man and together they sat and admired the view also. As I watched them I saw the old man put his hand tenderly on the arm of the younger man, and he then put his hand over his. I have no idea what their story was but that private moment they shared together was even more beautiful than the view of the ocean. It gave me a lump in my throat.
At that point I decided to head home, doing a few quick errands on the way but without rushing.
When I got home and walked through the door the chaos was still there, a crying baby and mess everywhere, but somehow it didn't seem so overwhelming now. Those few hours just to myself were the best thing for me. I felt reconnected. I know that nobody is going to pull me out of my funk except me. I need a change in mindset or I'm just going to stay in this rut. While sitting on the sand I made a commitment to myself to consciously try to change the things that I can, and not worry about the things that I can't.
I went for another walk this afternoon with Ella and Tim and I could smell the sweet scent of blossom on the breeze. Change is in the air and for the first time in a while I am excited about it.
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