Returning to work

My 6 months of maternity leave is finally up and tomorrow I am due to return to work.  Fortunately my boss has been really good and has agreed for me to return on a part time basis so I will be working 3 days a week for only 6 hours a day, so it's not so bad.

I have mixed emotions about returning to work and it is always such a hotly debated subject. When people would ask me if I intended to return to work, I would say that I was due to return when Ella was almost 6 months old.  Some people were fine with that, and others said to me "oh that's so early, Ella's still so young" and they'd look at me with 'those' eyes and a wave of guilt would wash over me.  I've never experienced so much guilt than I have since I became a mama.  I'm not sure what it is.  Motherhood seems to take the most confident and self assured person and turn them into self doubtful mess.  Well, at least that was the case with me.

For me, it seemed as though I had given birth to my beautiful baby girl, but a seed of doubt had been planted deeply in her place.  A seed that was always there in the back of my mind and made me constantly question whether what I was doing was right, and focus on everything that I couldn't do, like breastfeed successfully.  For the first few weeks of Ella's life, I was so hard on myself and felt like a failure.  It was so not like me, I am usually a very laid back and positive person but I just let that tide of doubt and guilt wash over me, time and time again and it was exhausting.

I'm not sure exactly when it happened but one day I thought back to what it was like before I had Ella.  The way that things felt so easy.  Why wasn't life like that now?  Why should I feel so different?  I was still the same person, I had just given birth.   So right then and there I decided to kick myself out of my slump.  I convinced myself that I should re-learn to trust my instinct, that I was a good mama and was making the right decisions for me and my family.  I stopped comparing myself to other mama's and stopped comparing Ella to other bubba's.  Weight instantly lifted off my shoulders.  I was happier, and Ella was happier.

Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments.  Motherhood is not always easy but I am learning to be more conscious of the present moment and to remind myself to trust my instinct.  To try to forget about that seed.

So when it comes to returning to work, and people giving me the eyes as if to say that I am making a wrong decision I don't feel as much guilt as I once did.  Sure, I don't want to leave her and miss out on playing with her and watching her learn and reach new milestones each day, but the majority of the week I am still with her and I do believe that spending time away from her, allowing me to have just a little bit of space and to use my mind more constructively at work, I will be a better mama and will appreciate more the time that we spend together.

I am lucky enough to have my mum look after Ella while I am working and my mum couldn't be happier.  My mum developed breast cancer a few years ago, had a double mastectomy and had to undergo chemotherapy treatment.  It was a tough time for her and our family, but she was so strong and positive and said that her major motivation to kick that cancer out of her body was so she could see me have children.  She is such a wonderful Nanny and when I feel that little bit of guilt start to creep in about leaving Ella to go to work,  I have to stop and realise that I am leaving her in the most capable hands and that Ella is so lucky to be developing such a close bond with her grandma.

I had a life before Ella which included work.  Work which I am good at and made me happy (most of the time).  I have made really good friends at work, so why should I feel guilty about wanting that again and doing something that makes me feel good?  Why should I feel guilty for providing for my family?

If there is one thing that I have learned about becoming a parent, it's that what is best for you and your child is not always best for somebody else and their child.  I try not to pass judgement on anybody for the choices they make for their family, whether it be co-sleeping vs non co-sleeping, breast vs bottle or returning to work vs being a stay at home mum,  because at the end of the day every mama just does what they think is right for them and their little one.

So after all that is said and done, I wonder what it will be like to actually walk out the door tomorrow morning.

That seed is starting to sprout again...