Up, down. Up, Down. Down, down...down,down

Parenthood is a series of up's and down's.  One minute you can be on a complete high, looking at your perfect clean house, watching your gorgeous toddler playing happily in the garden while you sip a hot cup of tea, seeing your newborn sleeping soundly and feeling like generally you have everything together and that you're doing a great job and the next you turn around and your toddler that was playing happily outside has now come inside and destroyed your clean house and is throwing a tantrum because you gave her water in the purple sippy cup instead of her new Peppa Pig cup, said newborn is now screaming blue murder for no apparent reason and all of a sudden you feel an immense sense that you are a complete failure. And you can forget about that hot cup of tea.

Since Tim went back to work things have actually not been that bad on my own (although I must admit that I have had help from my mum).  I envisioned many more tears than those that were actually shed.  Ella has been perfect during the day and hasn't showed any jealousy towards Lucas.  She helps me by getting things I may need, she sings to him and plays with him and has been great at keeping herself amused while I am feeding Lucas too.  He's not an easy baby to settle to go to sleep and I am constantly running upstairs to tend to him in the midst of trying to play with her but she never complains.

However, nighttime is a different story.  Lucas becomes very fussy in the afternoons/evenings and it's not easy to get them both fed, bathed and put to bed.  Thankfully Tim doesn't get home too late and can help put Ella to bed while I focus on getting Lucas down.  Although Ella is perfectly happy during the day, she has now started having very disrupted sleep at night.  She used to happily go to bed and although she would wake a few times during the night, I could just go in and lay her back down and she would go back to sleep.  Now however, she fights to go to bed, doesn't want you to leave the room and wakes constantly throughout the night and absolutely screams hysterically for Tim or myself, sometimes every two hours.

We understand that having a new sibling is all new to her and things aren't the same any more.  We've been making sure we give her lots of one on one attention during the day to make her feel secure and during the night when she does scream, we've done whatever we can to appease her (some of her requests include snuggling on her story reading chair, having a bottle, wiping her 'runny' eyes and nose and any other excuse she can come up with to keep us in the room longer), sometimes taking up to an hour for her to settle back down and go back to sleep.

That, coupled with having to wake and feed Lucas (which also takes about an hour each time) has really played havoc on me and over the last few days I have really felt myself starting to lose the plot.

When mum walked in the door yesterday morning and asked me how I was I simply burst into tears.  Upon telling her of my frustration with Ella, my worries about Lucas' unsettled ways and my lack of sleep, she offered to take Ella for the night (or however long I needed) so that I could get some rest.  On one hand I felt so guilty for wanting her to take Ella so that I could have a break, but on the other hand I knew that it would be good for all of us.  Ella would hopefully get a good sleep, we would hopefully get a better sleep and I would have some time to try and work out how I was going to pull myself out of this slump.

Ella was more than happy to go with Nanny.  The minute mum suggested it she walked to the door wanting to go immediately!  We packed her bag and some toys and after a long cuddle they drove off in the car.  I cried as her chubby little hand waved at me through the window and they drove away and walked back into the house to a crying baby.

Lucas didn't settle at all yesterday.  I think he probably go about 2 hours sleep all day because the minute I tried to lay him down he would scream.  He's always been a baby who vomits a lot but I was sure that he had reflux or colic.  I spent the whole day holding him upright, trying to get him to stop crying and wasn't very successful.  I couldn't stop crying out of frustration and felt so bad because he seemed to be in so much pain.  I made an appointment to see the doctor about it because I was at my wits end.

I called Ella to say goodnight to her that night and she was happy as Larry and chirpily told me that she had eaten all her dinner and was going to sleep all night.  I hoped that was the case.  Hearing her happy little voice made me cry again as the guilt crept in that I had sent my child away because I couldn't cope.

When Tim got home from work he took over trying to settle Lucas and eventually at around 8pm he finally went to sleep.

We managed to have a decent nights sleep thankfully and I must admit I felt so much better this morning when I woke up.  It's amazing what rest can do for you.  I sat down and wrote a list of things I wanted to do today so that I had some clarity.

I went to the doctor this morning with Lucas who screamed through the whole appointment.  The doctor said that he definitely does display signs of reflux and so I now have some new formula to try and hopefully that will help ease things and mean that he goes to sleep a little easier.  I can't stand seeing his little face constantly wincing in pain and hate the fact that he's not getting the sleep that he needs to function and grow properly.

I worked through my list of things I wanted to accomplish today - changed all the bedding (for some reason that always makes me feel better, there's nothing like getting into a freshly made bed), finally got my thank you cards from Lucas' birth printed and sent, culled some of Ella's toys and books so that there is not so much clutter in the living room which always sends me crazy, I filed my tax return and lots of other little odd jobs that I just haven't had a chance to do.

I also sat down and wrote down some of the key things that I want to do to help me get myself back in synch - I just feel so out of whack at the moment.  Things like what I can do to be more organised so I don't feel so overwhelmed, getting back into a healthier eating plan, doing some exercise, just things that I know will help me be more patient and a better mum, wife and person in general.  I don't like feeling like this - I hope I get back on my feet soon (by the way it's so nice to actually be able to see my feet when I look down now instead of a big stretched belly!).  As I type this the warm air outside is blowing in through the open door and just that simple thing is making me feel like everything is going to be ok.

I can't wait to have Ella home.  For all the lack of sleep I just can't wait to see her face and for her to wrap her arms around my neck.  There's no better feeling.

Ella's 2nd Birthday

 

I've been looking forward to this day for a long time.  A celebration where Ella is old enough to understand that this day is all about her and be excited about it.  I've been imagining her face light up as she opens her presents and blows out her birthday candles and I have to say that I wasn't disappointed.  Her expression as she walked down the stairs and saw balloons is something I never want to forget - she was beaming!  We hadn't even opened presents yet!

We gave her a scooter and a little fairy cubby house which she was in love with and I have to say that she is a natural at riding the scooter.  The minute she opened it she took it outside and rode it in her pyjamas and socks exclaiming "look at me mama, I'm scooting!"

We spent the day at the Train Shed riding on Thomas The Tank Engine (one of her favourites) as well as the other engines, we ate donuts and celebrated with a Peppa Pig cake.  I think it's pretty safe to say from the huge smile on her face in the photos that she felt extra special today - mission accomplished!

Feeling nostalgic...

I am feeling very nostalgic today.  I am standing in the kitchen making a birthday cake for Ella's 2nd birthday which is tomorrow and remembering that at this time two years ago, my journey into motherhood was about to begin.

It was around this time of day that my contractions began and with excitement, apprehension and a little bit of anxiety (who am I kidding...there was a lot of anxiety!) I tried to imagine what it was going to be like to give birth and to hold my baby for the very first time.

As always I am left wondering where the time has gone.  How on earth have two years passed?  My little girl who fit snugly into the crook of my arm now lays like a big sack of potatoes in my lap.  But her hair smells exactly the same and I will continue to breathe it in deeply for as long as she wants to be held in my arms.

Over the last two years we've seen first smiles, first words, first steps and all the other firsts that you long to witness.  There have been so many personal firsts for me too as I navigate my way through parenthood for the first time. I don't always have the answers and often find myself wishing that I had handled a situation differently but I guess I am taking first steps in a way too and inevitably there will be falls along the way but I am so thankful to be on this path.

Daddy's going back to work...

Tim was lucky enough to take three weeks off from work after I had Lucas, however today is the last day that he will be spending with us before he goes back to work tomorrow.  As much as he isn't really looking forward to going back to work after such a break, in a way I think he will feel relieved to get out of the house and away from all the chaos!

I've been so lucky to have him around to lend a helping hand whenever I needed it.  He has looked after the babies while I have caught up on sleep, he's taken Ella out on little adventures to get a bored toddler out of the house and let me have some time alone with Lucas, he's cooked, he's cleaned and more.  It's so easy with two babies when you have an extra pair of hands.

We've also spent some really nice days together as a family as well which has been so nice, particularly as the weather has warmed up.  We spent the day at Manly the other day walking around in the sunshine and we also spent the day at Luna Park on friday which was so much fun.  Ella had a ball at Coney Island sliding on all the slippery dips - there were many tears when we left!  Not even the promise of ice cream would appease her.

I am almost dreading tomorrow morning when Tim walks out the door.  How am I going to tend to a screaming Lucas when Ella is in the bath?  Who is going to whisk Ella away from removing everything from the fridge when I am feeding Lucas?  Who's going to make me cups of tea in the morning (ha ha)?  How on earth am I going to cook dinner in the evening?  I know that plenty of women do this every day but for me right now this seems really daunting.

Tomorrow is going to be challenging.  It's going to be a long day.  I am trying to stay positive and tell myself that "I've got this", but sadly I am predicting tears, not just from my children, but many from me too!  As with anything though, it will take time to adjust and eventually I know we'll find a natural routine that works and it will get easier.  In the meantime I'll just keep repeating my mantra - "I've got this" and hope that the more I say it the more I will start to believe it.

Big Sister

Before Lucas was born we worried what it would be like for Ella to have a new person enter into our family.  Ella is a typical little Leo in every respect - loud, proud and she commands attention from us no matter where we are.  I have to admit I was preparing myself for the worst, imagining myself sitting down to feed Lucas and having her trying to pull me off the couch and screaming because she wanted me to do something else, but yet again, she has proven me wrong.

I can remember the first time she visited me in hospital after having the baby and meeting Lucas.  She walked into the room timidly with Tim and my mum.  I sat on the bed, Lucas in his crib next to me.  "Mama, mama" she exclaimed excitedly as she climbed onto the bed and examined all of the wrist bands I had on and the bandaid from where they had placed a canula.

She didn't notice Lucas straight away and it wasn't until we pointed him out that she realised there was a baby there.  She had a puzzled look on her face but we explained that the baby in my tummy had come out and that she was a big sister.  We had been trying to prepare her by telling her often that she was going to be a big sister and that soon we would have a baby in the house, but it is one thing to tell a near 2 year old that there will be a new baby, and another thing for them to actually comprehend what that means.

Eventually she warmed up to Lucas and began to softly pat his head and quickly hold his hand before giggling out loud.  It had only been a day since I'd seen her but somehow she seemed so much bigger now.  Even when I picked her up she seemed so much heavier.

When I came home from the hospital she played contentedly next to me as I fed Lucas and not once has she whinged when I have had to leave her to tend to a crying baby.  She is my little helper, even going so far as to hold the breast pump while I am expressing.

I know it's only early days and things could change but so far she has been perfect.  A little more clingy to daddy than usual but that's about it.  I am so proud of her.  She seems so grown up now compared to two weeks ago.

Each morning when she wakes up she says "morning baby Lucas!" and several times I have found her lifting the valance of Lucas' bassinet to peek inside at her baby brother.

I can't wait to see their relationship develop and I'm so looking forward to hearing their laughter floating through our house as they play together.

In just two weeks time she will be turning two and yet again I find myself asking where the time has gone.  I am so proud of this little girl.

Welcoming Lucas

On saturday 6th July, in the wee hours of the morning we welcomed little Lucas into our family.  His birth was completely different to that of his sister yet the experience was just amazing and I can't help but feel so lucky to have another perfect baby to care for.

I started to have a bloody show on the thursday morning much to my shock.  I guess any time you see blood during pregnancy you immediately assume that something must be wrong (or maybe it's just me being paranoid).  I called the midwife at the hospital just to get some advice and they said just to sit tight and that everything was normal.  I cried.

Tim went to work as normal on thursday and my mum came over to stay with me in case anything did eventuate.  We went to the shops and got some last minute groceries and bits and pieces - I wanted to try to walk around as much as possible to try and bring on the labour but thursday came and went without any further signs of labour.

In the early hours of friday morning I started to feel achy but still nothing significant which would indicate that anything might happen any time soon.  Tim didn't go to work that day, instead we decided to spend the day out and about.  It was beautiful and sunny so we took Ella to a fun play park and as we sat in the sun watching her I began to feel more regular tightening sensations in my belly and knew that soon enough I would have my baby in my arms.  We ate hamburgers for lunch followed by churros and hot chocolate and with full bellies we went home and all three of us had an afternoon sleep.

After dinner that evening I started to have more painful contractions and at around 8pm we started timing them.  Again, I called the hospital to let them know what was happening and they suggested that I take some panadol and try to rest as much as possible.  I went upstairs to get the panadol and was hit with a wave of really painful contractions and knew that I would not be able to rest, baby was on his way.

I had forgotten what contractions were like.  I've always thought of myself as very tolerant of pain but the ferocity of these pains during what is known as 'early labour' had me worried about what it would be like later on.  With each contraction I had to get down on all fours and try to breathe as calmly as possible while Tim ran around trying to get the dog ready to take to my parents house and put everything in the car.

At around 10pm Tim woke Ella and we packed her into the car - it was time to go.  As I sat in the front seat moaning and swearing with each contraction, I'm not sure what Ella thought her mama was doing. She didn't say much, except at each traffic light (we seemed to get every red light) the minute it turned green she would yell out "gween, gween, go daddy go!"  I gripped the head rest of my seat tightly and as we rounded each corner and my body tensed the pain was excruciating.

Soon enough we had arrived at my parents house.  Quickly we let the dog out and my mum took Ella.  As we pulled straight out of the driveway to go to the hospital I heard her say "love you mama" and I cried.

We pulled into the emergency department and I was immediately placed in a wheel chair and taken up to the delivery suite.  The contractions were coming so fast that I didn't feel like I was having any break in between.  I tried to remember the breathing techniques from my hypnobirthing CD but all that had just gone out the window.

The nurse handed me the gas to help ease the pain and I immediately brought up my dinner.  I didn't feel like the gas was helping with the pain but it did help me take big deep breaths.  The pain was becoming unbearable and I told the nurse I wanted to have an epidural because I was only 5cm dilated and I wasn't sure how long I could put up with it any more. She explained that she could call the anaesthetist but she felt like the baby would be here before he would.  I was scared and tried to tell myself that I could do this, all the while squeezing Tim's hand so tight that it was sore the next day.

The obstetrician arrived not long after and it was then that my body just started to take over.  I had absolutely no control over what it was doing.  I was 8cm dilated and everything was happening quickly now.  I sucked on the gas with my eyes tightly shut.  I could hear everybody in the room and the calm voice of my doctor telling me what to do.  Every muscle in my body was tense and the urge to push was overwhelming.  I screamed and grunted guttural sounds from deep within me and in my mind I could visualise the baby coming out.

My body continued to keel over and my muscles constrict when the doctor told me to open my eyes and look down and I saw my babies head.  The doctor told me not to push again until he said to and it took everything in me not to, but the minute he said the word I pushed as hard as I possibly could and then my baby boy was warm on my chest.  His cry was so soft and his skin so smooth.  I stroked him as tears ran down my cheeks.  He looked just like Tim.  It was 12:52am.

Reading back over this I realise I can never do the story justice, there simply are no words to convey fully what the experience was like.  The full extent of it is and always will just remain a feeling I have inside of me.  A feeling I will never forget.

Two weeks exactly have passed now and he has already put on 500 grams.  He is growing like a champ and has fit into our family perfectly.  Each day I can see him looking a little more like Ella as he fills out.

Tim has had two weeks off work which has been amazing (and we have another week with him at home).  I have been able to rest and heal (although I do still have signs of popped bloody vessels in my eye from pushing so hard!)  We have spent unhurried days together as a family of four, all getting to know one another.

Lucas, you're just beautiful and we love you so much.  Welcome to our family.

The waiting game

We've been playing the waiting game around here lately.  Waiting for the sun to come out after two weeks of rain, and of course waiting for the new addition to our family to make his entrance.

I am happy to say our old friend, sunshine, has finally returned.  After two weeks of rain and overcast weather I am so pleased to see the sun and feel a little bit of warmth during the day.  

The first day of sunshine we had was on sunday afternoon.  We took Ella bowling on sunday morning as it was raining...again... and we were trying to think of something fun we could do with her to get us all out of the house.  I have to admit that I was a bit worried about how bowling would go - it could be really fun, or turn out to be a disaster if Ella wasn't into it.  Thankfully she had a great time.  From the moment she put her special bowling shoes I could tell she was going to have fun (her shoes were so tiny and she looked so cute in them!!).  It kept her amused for a whole game and she had such a look of pride on her face when she knocked the pins over.  She even beat Tim!!  I couldn't stop laughing at that one because Tim takes his bowling very seriously.

When we emerged from the bowling alley, the sun was out and the clouds had all but disappeared so we decided to go for a drive to get some lunch at Pie in the Sky before Ella was due for a sleep.  Yum!  A lamb, honey and rosemary pie later and an apricot takeaway pie later and this mama was a happy lady!  We went home and all had a nice afternoon nap and then decided that we would go for a long walk to the park to take advantage of the weather.  It was such a simple but nice family day.

They say that doing lots of walking can bring on labour but our long walk didn't do a thing.  My due date has been and gone and I am just feeling like I am in a stuck in some sort of limbo which is extremely annoying.  The upside however is that I have a final date to work towards - I have been booked in to be induced on Tuesday next week if nothing happens sooner.  So, at some point within the next 5 days I will have a beautiful baby boy in my arms.  So very exciting!