Parenthood is a series of up's and down's. One minute you can be on a complete high, looking at your perfect clean house, watching your gorgeous toddler playing happily in the garden while you sip a hot cup of tea, seeing your newborn sleeping soundly and feeling like generally you have everything together and that you're doing a great job and the next you turn around and your toddler that was playing happily outside has now come inside and destroyed your clean house and is throwing a tantrum because you gave her water in the purple sippy cup instead of her new Peppa Pig cup, said newborn is now screaming blue murder for no apparent reason and all of a sudden you feel an immense sense that you are a complete failure. And you can forget about that hot cup of tea.
Since Tim went back to work things have actually not been that bad on my own (although I must admit that I have had help from my mum). I envisioned many more tears than those that were actually shed. Ella has been perfect during the day and hasn't showed any jealousy towards Lucas. She helps me by getting things I may need, she sings to him and plays with him and has been great at keeping herself amused while I am feeding Lucas too. He's not an easy baby to settle to go to sleep and I am constantly running upstairs to tend to him in the midst of trying to play with her but she never complains.
However, nighttime is a different story. Lucas becomes very fussy in the afternoons/evenings and it's not easy to get them both fed, bathed and put to bed. Thankfully Tim doesn't get home too late and can help put Ella to bed while I focus on getting Lucas down. Although Ella is perfectly happy during the day, she has now started having very disrupted sleep at night. She used to happily go to bed and although she would wake a few times during the night, I could just go in and lay her back down and she would go back to sleep. Now however, she fights to go to bed, doesn't want you to leave the room and wakes constantly throughout the night and absolutely screams hysterically for Tim or myself, sometimes every two hours.
We understand that having a new sibling is all new to her and things aren't the same any more. We've been making sure we give her lots of one on one attention during the day to make her feel secure and during the night when she does scream, we've done whatever we can to appease her (some of her requests include snuggling on her story reading chair, having a bottle, wiping her 'runny' eyes and nose and any other excuse she can come up with to keep us in the room longer), sometimes taking up to an hour for her to settle back down and go back to sleep.
That, coupled with having to wake and feed Lucas (which also takes about an hour each time) has really played havoc on me and over the last few days I have really felt myself starting to lose the plot.
When mum walked in the door yesterday morning and asked me how I was I simply burst into tears. Upon telling her of my frustration with Ella, my worries about Lucas' unsettled ways and my lack of sleep, she offered to take Ella for the night (or however long I needed) so that I could get some rest. On one hand I felt so guilty for wanting her to take Ella so that I could have a break, but on the other hand I knew that it would be good for all of us. Ella would hopefully get a good sleep, we would hopefully get a better sleep and I would have some time to try and work out how I was going to pull myself out of this slump.
Ella was more than happy to go with Nanny. The minute mum suggested it she walked to the door wanting to go immediately! We packed her bag and some toys and after a long cuddle they drove off in the car. I cried as her chubby little hand waved at me through the window and they drove away and walked back into the house to a crying baby.
Lucas didn't settle at all yesterday. I think he probably go about 2 hours sleep all day because the minute I tried to lay him down he would scream. He's always been a baby who vomits a lot but I was sure that he had reflux or colic. I spent the whole day holding him upright, trying to get him to stop crying and wasn't very successful. I couldn't stop crying out of frustration and felt so bad because he seemed to be in so much pain. I made an appointment to see the doctor about it because I was at my wits end.
I called Ella to say goodnight to her that night and she was happy as Larry and chirpily told me that she had eaten all her dinner and was going to sleep all night. I hoped that was the case. Hearing her happy little voice made me cry again as the guilt crept in that I had sent my child away because I couldn't cope.
When Tim got home from work he took over trying to settle Lucas and eventually at around 8pm he finally went to sleep.
We managed to have a decent nights sleep thankfully and I must admit I felt so much better this morning when I woke up. It's amazing what rest can do for you. I sat down and wrote a list of things I wanted to do today so that I had some clarity.
I went to the doctor this morning with Lucas who screamed through the whole appointment. The doctor said that he definitely does display signs of reflux and so I now have some new formula to try and hopefully that will help ease things and mean that he goes to sleep a little easier. I can't stand seeing his little face constantly wincing in pain and hate the fact that he's not getting the sleep that he needs to function and grow properly.
I worked through my list of things I wanted to accomplish today - changed all the bedding (for some reason that always makes me feel better, there's nothing like getting into a freshly made bed), finally got my thank you cards from Lucas' birth printed and sent, culled some of Ella's toys and books so that there is not so much clutter in the living room which always sends me crazy, I filed my tax return and lots of other little odd jobs that I just haven't had a chance to do.
I also sat down and wrote down some of the key things that I want to do to help me get myself back in synch - I just feel so out of whack at the moment. Things like what I can do to be more organised so I don't feel so overwhelmed, getting back into a healthier eating plan, doing some exercise, just things that I know will help me be more patient and a better mum, wife and person in general. I don't like feeling like this - I hope I get back on my feet soon (by the way it's so nice to actually be able to see my feet when I look down now instead of a big stretched belly!). As I type this the warm air outside is blowing in through the open door and just that simple thing is making me feel like everything is going to be ok.
I can't wait to have Ella home. For all the lack of sleep I just can't wait to see her face and for her to wrap her arms around my neck. There's no better feeling.
